Friday, January 13, 2012

Missing Hasya...

Tomorrow will be one week since we sent Hasya to KYS.

The day we went to register her was quite a non-event, somehow, and I felt like it was done quite intentionally by the College, so that, both students and parents (moms especially) would not be too emotional at the end of the day.

We reached KYS at 9:00a.m, and everything was settled by 1:30pm. The registration process was done in such a way that there was no time for Mommy to be overwhelmingly emotional as it was quite regimented. Which was a good thing, I think.

There was the handing over of all the forms which we had to fill in beforehand at home (took me more than 1 freaking hour to fill them in!). There was the fee-paying process - school fees, uniform fees, payments for books and stationeries, etc., and also when the students were shown where their academic lockers were. And of course, followed by the briefing at the hall (which was NOT really a briefing as the Chairman of the Board of Governors took more than an hour to give his "briefing"!) But, I must say that it was a very interesting speech indeed as parents were given glimpses of what plans the College has for the new students for the 5 years they're there, and what roles the parents have to play to support the children.

After all the formalities were over and done with (about 12:30pm), the students were brought to their dormitories, and despite being requested/instructed (AT LEAST thrice!) for parents/families to not enter the dormitories, nobody seemed to care. Moi included. Haha! :) Tak tercapai dek akal if we mothers did not go into the dorm to see it dengan mata sendiri and to susun segala benda mak datuk which our children had brought with them (and in Hasya's case - some, she was FORCED to bring! Hehehe...)

All the moms (and grand moms) busied themselves helping the girls organizing and arranging their stuff in the locker, the bathroom, the laundry room, the luggage/shoe room, etc - making sure everything was put in an orderly manner in its proper place. I had Hanna's help to help me unpack and organize Hasya's stuff, while Ayah and Hilman could only look through from the window.

Hanna had a peek at the stuff the other girls brought with them, and she said that Hasya had the MOST stuff! Well, I live by the principle of, "Biar lebih, jangan kurang", so, THAT was somehow expected, no? And it also goes without saying that even though we were among the firsts to enter the dorm, we were the last to leave. As expected :)

By 1:30pm, the students were rushed to go for lunch and then solat Zohor, and all the parents were asked to leave then. Just like that. No time for proper bye-byes. No time to be emo. No time to nangis. Especially when your daughter seemed to be (more than) fine, and so excited to start life as a boarder there. So, we had no choice but to leave her then.

It just didn't sink in at that point in time that I had actually LEFT Hasya in Melaka to fend for herself (or was I in denial, still?). I actually slept throughout the journey back to KL.

We had to send Ayah to One World Hotel first as he had a talk to give at 3:00pm there. We then had to send Hanna to her Interact meeting, and then only Rizal sent both Hilman and I back home.

And it was when I was alone in the room, that it dawned on me that my little girl was not at home anymore, that she was 200km away, and I would not be able to see her and be with her everyday, and that she would have to fend for herself, and that I wouldn't be there for her if she needed me...

And the tears suddenly gushed out, and I started sobbing, and literally cried myself to sleep. I was only woken up by Ayah who came back from his meeting after Maghrib.

I didn't want him to see how affected I was with the whole Hasya-away-thing, and I somehow managed to be calm.

However, later that night, as I was lying in bed getting ready to sleep, I started crying again - silently at first. My pillows were soaked with my tears. Ayah who was doing his work on the PC at that time probably heard me sniffling, and he came and sat beside me on the bed. THAT was not a good move. The moment I saw his face, I started crying like nobody's business - even he didn't know how to console me.

We decided to call Hasya, and I was trying my best not to sound sad. But, when she asked me if I was okay, my voice cracked and I just couldn't speak and I just said bye to her and passed the phone to Ayah. And I continued crying. Again for the second time that day, I cried myself to sleep.

I really thought I would be okay with the whole thing. But, I guess, I thought wrong. I am just not strong enough.

The second night without Hasya at home, I couldn't sleep until about 4a.m.

The third night, I felt better somewhat - that was AFTER hearing her voice over the phone.

The fourth night, I was okay-ish. That was after I psyched myself up that I should be happy for Hasya because she is VERY happy there. She had wanted to go to KYS so badly, and now that she has been given the rezqi to study there, I should not feel sad, because it should be a cause for celebration, and not commiseration. She finds everything about the college to be "awesome", and she's making new friends and she really is enjoying life there.

It is not going to be easy for me, especially when I have to keep on telling myself that she doesn't really need me anymore, (at least not as much as I want her to), and that I should start letting her go...letting her grow. But, insya Allah, I will be okay.

Today is the seventh day she has been there, and syukur alhamdulillah, I am feeling much, much better.

We're going down to Melaka this Sunday to visit her, insya Allah, and I just can't wait!

For now, I still call her every night, of course. And I will continue to do so. I think as her Mom, no one can take that privilege from me. No? ;)