Friday, January 13, 2012

Missing Hasya...

Tomorrow will be one week since we sent Hasya to KYS.

The day we went to register her was quite a non-event, somehow, and I felt like it was done quite intentionally by the College, so that, both students and parents (moms especially) would not be too emotional at the end of the day.

We reached KYS at 9:00a.m, and everything was settled by 1:30pm. The registration process was done in such a way that there was no time for Mommy to be overwhelmingly emotional as it was quite regimented. Which was a good thing, I think.

There was the handing over of all the forms which we had to fill in beforehand at home (took me more than 1 freaking hour to fill them in!). There was the fee-paying process - school fees, uniform fees, payments for books and stationeries, etc., and also when the students were shown where their academic lockers were. And of course, followed by the briefing at the hall (which was NOT really a briefing as the Chairman of the Board of Governors took more than an hour to give his "briefing"!) But, I must say that it was a very interesting speech indeed as parents were given glimpses of what plans the College has for the new students for the 5 years they're there, and what roles the parents have to play to support the children.

After all the formalities were over and done with (about 12:30pm), the students were brought to their dormitories, and despite being requested/instructed (AT LEAST thrice!) for parents/families to not enter the dormitories, nobody seemed to care. Moi included. Haha! :) Tak tercapai dek akal if we mothers did not go into the dorm to see it dengan mata sendiri and to susun segala benda mak datuk which our children had brought with them (and in Hasya's case - some, she was FORCED to bring! Hehehe...)

All the moms (and grand moms) busied themselves helping the girls organizing and arranging their stuff in the locker, the bathroom, the laundry room, the luggage/shoe room, etc - making sure everything was put in an orderly manner in its proper place. I had Hanna's help to help me unpack and organize Hasya's stuff, while Ayah and Hilman could only look through from the window.

Hanna had a peek at the stuff the other girls brought with them, and she said that Hasya had the MOST stuff! Well, I live by the principle of, "Biar lebih, jangan kurang", so, THAT was somehow expected, no? And it also goes without saying that even though we were among the firsts to enter the dorm, we were the last to leave. As expected :)

By 1:30pm, the students were rushed to go for lunch and then solat Zohor, and all the parents were asked to leave then. Just like that. No time for proper bye-byes. No time to be emo. No time to nangis. Especially when your daughter seemed to be (more than) fine, and so excited to start life as a boarder there. So, we had no choice but to leave her then.

It just didn't sink in at that point in time that I had actually LEFT Hasya in Melaka to fend for herself (or was I in denial, still?). I actually slept throughout the journey back to KL.

We had to send Ayah to One World Hotel first as he had a talk to give at 3:00pm there. We then had to send Hanna to her Interact meeting, and then only Rizal sent both Hilman and I back home.

And it was when I was alone in the room, that it dawned on me that my little girl was not at home anymore, that she was 200km away, and I would not be able to see her and be with her everyday, and that she would have to fend for herself, and that I wouldn't be there for her if she needed me...

And the tears suddenly gushed out, and I started sobbing, and literally cried myself to sleep. I was only woken up by Ayah who came back from his meeting after Maghrib.

I didn't want him to see how affected I was with the whole Hasya-away-thing, and I somehow managed to be calm.

However, later that night, as I was lying in bed getting ready to sleep, I started crying again - silently at first. My pillows were soaked with my tears. Ayah who was doing his work on the PC at that time probably heard me sniffling, and he came and sat beside me on the bed. THAT was not a good move. The moment I saw his face, I started crying like nobody's business - even he didn't know how to console me.

We decided to call Hasya, and I was trying my best not to sound sad. But, when she asked me if I was okay, my voice cracked and I just couldn't speak and I just said bye to her and passed the phone to Ayah. And I continued crying. Again for the second time that day, I cried myself to sleep.

I really thought I would be okay with the whole thing. But, I guess, I thought wrong. I am just not strong enough.

The second night without Hasya at home, I couldn't sleep until about 4a.m.

The third night, I felt better somewhat - that was AFTER hearing her voice over the phone.

The fourth night, I was okay-ish. That was after I psyched myself up that I should be happy for Hasya because she is VERY happy there. She had wanted to go to KYS so badly, and now that she has been given the rezqi to study there, I should not feel sad, because it should be a cause for celebration, and not commiseration. She finds everything about the college to be "awesome", and she's making new friends and she really is enjoying life there.

It is not going to be easy for me, especially when I have to keep on telling myself that she doesn't really need me anymore, (at least not as much as I want her to), and that I should start letting her go...letting her grow. But, insya Allah, I will be okay.

Today is the seventh day she has been there, and syukur alhamdulillah, I am feeling much, much better.

We're going down to Melaka this Sunday to visit her, insya Allah, and I just can't wait!

For now, I still call her every night, of course. And I will continue to do so. I think as her Mom, no one can take that privilege from me. No? ;)

10 comments:

DeLinn said...

I still remember my mak cried just like u did when me and my sister went to univ. hehe. I pun nanges, nyaris nak keluar matrik hehehe. That was in 1993.

Amy said...

Yg amy pun nanges sekali ni naper? Hehe. Sabor ye kak shana. Mama amy pun nangis hari amy masuk ppp. Kat shah alam je pun! Hihi tapi amy pun sama emo nanges sbb tak pernah duduk jauh dari mama (time tu rasa jauh je kelana jaya dgn shah alam haha)

Helena said...

Salam dear shana. Dah lama tak menjenguk. OMG your kids dah besar2 la....

Congrats to Hasya for being in KYS. Sedih i baca yr entry ni. The same feelings i had everytime my girls masuk boarding. But somehow i tak nangis la pulak, although sedih and rindu sangat2 huhu.... Hati batu nih hehe. My youngest daughter Pu3 will be off to boarding end Jan jugak, mmg dah start sayu dah ni. Tak tau la this time ada hujan lebat ke tak coz when her kakaks in boarding all these while dia la peneman i kat rumah together with my youngest, Zaryff..

You take care ok. I;m sure Hasya will be just fine.

Anonymous said...

I too cried when I left my son at boarding school all the way in Kedah.I was worried for him being away from home.I can't call him because no phone allowed.I imagined he felt very sad and alone too.But much later I asked him what did he do after we left him on the first day...he said..in the afternoon I went down the field n join the others playing football.....hahaha I think our child adapt better with changes than the mother...chu

Eta MY said...

shana...segala nenek datuk tu..yg kelakar...hi..hi...I can feel you...insya'allah takes time..I cried the minute I masuk kereta masa my eldest was 13....my hubby pun dok biarg I kriau... 1 hour later after jb..Musa tanya: "Mama, dah ok?"...waa....I sambung balik..and dozed off...sampai lah Seremban...hi..hi..the fact that this is the first time, ur anak pi asrama..to yg haru biru...perasaan ibu!!..Again, I am so happy for you...ALhamdulillah...

wanshana said...

Salam DeLinn,

So sorry for this overdue response!

Hehehe...Nyaris masih sensible and tak meraung nak keluar matrik! LOL :)

Yes, I guess no matter how old we are, our Mak will still rasa sebak to let us go, kan? But, I must say, I didn't see my Mom nangis bila she sent me to asrama the first time. In fact every time nak habis cuti sekolah, I yang cememeh lebih-lebih, and my Mom cool ajer. I would be very moody at home and not even once she marah me for that!

But, I wouldn't know if she cried when she was alone. My Mom is very cool and collected liddat :)

wanshana said...

Amy,

LOL! Jiwa sensitip ;)

Akak ni, the first day masuk asrama, I was so excited! Tak nangis and homesick pun. And I was okay for the whole penggal. I was in JB, and my parents were in Taiping. It was only when I went back for the first time masa Cuti sekolah, and it was time to balik asrama balik at the end of the cuti, that I mogok and cememeh. And that would be the case EVERYTIME cuti sekolah habis. But, I turned out, ok. Hehehe :)

wanshana said...

Salam Helena :)

Thank you, insya Allah.

Yes, dah besar anak-anak I, and anak-anak you, too!

Gosh! Pu3 pun dah masuk asrama! So, now, it's just you and Zaryff at home. For me, I still have Hanna and Hilman for now. But, besar kemungkinan next year the nest will be totally empty! Hilman UPSR this year and kalau ada rezqi, he'll probably masuk asrama, too. Hanna pulak SPM this year, and I guess after her results she would be furthering her studies somewhere, insya Allah. I'm starting to feel very old now! Hahaha!

I have always wondered how you coped/cope when your kids masuk asrama. And, i salute you for your commitments - anak dok jauh pun, you still monitor them very closely. Kudos!

You, too, Helena - take care :)

wanshana said...

Salam Anonymous @Jan 14, 7:05AM :)

Yes, Seems like our kids adapt better with their new life and environment than us, kan? I think kita ni masih dalam a state of denial - tak nak accept that they no longer need us as much as before, kan? :)

I think having a phone pun does not make any difference, at least in Hasya's case. She rarely calls! And initially, I did call her every night. But, after a while, dah tak selalu sangat coz' I realized memang her schedule is pretty tight. If I call pun, it would be just after lights off at 11pm, and sometimes, boleh sense how penat she is. So, tak mau kacau selalu...

wanshana said...

Salam Eta,

Thank you :)

Memang - i pun haghu bighu jugak hari tu. Haizal pun tak tau macam mana nak console I! But, syukur alhamdulillah, I'm much better at handling the empty nest thingy now. Yes, the house memang rasa so sunyi now. Didn't realize before this that the absence of ONE child could make such a difference! Time-time macam ni rasa should have beranak lagi ramai! LOL! :)

Your Kak Long tengah relax kat rumah, or ada project while waiting for her results?

Take care, dear! :)