Friday, August 21, 2009

Being married to Doktor Ayah...

Somebody made a comment on my FB a couple of days ago as to how patient I have been. As a wife.

Oh, boy... She couldn't be more wrong than that. Hehehe! I'm afraid I have to disappoint her, because I AM SO NOT A PATIENT WIFE, OKAY?

Well, maybe now it's a bit better. But before, when we first got married, "patience" was not in my vocabulary. But, after a while I got used to being a doctor's wife and the whole jim-bangs that come with it. And I realized, one of the things that had made it easier to accept life as a doctor's wife actually was seeing OUR KIDS accepting THEIR lives as children with a doctor as their father in the last few years. Yup, that was how long it took me to FINALLY stop whining. But, of course, sometimes ada jugak whine here and there now. I'm no saint, okay? I'm a normal human being.

I can safely say here that the causes of about 99% of our arguments or "Cold Wars", when we had any, that is, had been due to Ayah's work. I say "Cold Wars" here because when I'm angry or merajuk, I turn VERY quiet!) That means, I had been the one who would trigger the "Cold War" button most of the times. So, I guess that would definitely mean that I WAS NOT A PATIENT WIFE when it came to his work as a doctor.

It's bad enough for a doctor who works with Kementerian Kesihatan. Try being a doctor at a teaching hospital, under Kementerian Pendidikan. Ayah was not just busy with the normal tasks of a doctor of attending to his patients at the clinic and the wards, doing invasive procedures, etc., but, he also had to teach medical students (giving lectures AND carrying out clinical teachings), get involved in research, present papers, publish papers, go to conferences all over the world, go for postings at some sub-urb hospitals every now and then, and of course he also had to deal with admin work, as well. And he also had to layan his whiny wife, at the same time.

Some of the things that used to rile me up once upon time, but, we, as a family had experienced and have learnt to accept, were the following. This was always the case when Ayah was with UM*C dulu. It's not that bad now, but, certain times of the month, monchong jugak lah I...


Try to be in my shoes, and imagine how YOU would feel in the following situations -

(1) When we had made plans to go somewhere, be it khenduri, shopping, dinner, outing, etc., you name it, and at the last minute we had to postpone, or worse - cancel the whole thing when Ayah was called to the hospital to attend to emergency cases.

(2) When we were already out, and Ayah was called to the hospital. We either had to be sent home first, or wait at wherever he left us, and we had to wait for Ayah to finish his work at the hospital before he came back to fetch us.

(3) Sometimes, he would bring ALL of us to the hospital while he reviewed his patients. We would either wait in the car, or in his office or at the lounge, or at any of the eating joints at the hospital. Sometimes sekejap ajer. Sometimes berjam-jam lamanya...

(4) The endless phonecalls he got from, and he made to the hospital when we were having our family outing. Tension betul...Couldn't they just leave him alone and let him have his weekend?!

(5) He said he would be back by 9:00p.m and he reached home at 11:00p.m (or worse, and for most of the times, even later than that).

(6) Ayah NEVER came back before 9:00p.m. If he came home earlier than that, it was a bonus for us, and good for him. Even until now. And they say him doing private would allow him to have more time with the family... Duh... But, Insya Allah, soon I hope :)

(7) Many times, we would wait for him to have a family dinner, and I would cook some special dish only to be disappointed, and I would ask the kids to go ahead and eat without him because Ayah was caught up at the hospital. I would still wait for him, but, of course bila perut dah berkeroncong, sorry dear...I also had to eat first!

(8) In the middle of the night, the hospital would call, and he would ask his staff to fax whatever test results (ECG readings bagai) to him, and then he would have to leave and attend to his patients at the hospital, only to come back to catch up on his sleep for 15-30 minutes, only to have to wake up and go to work again.

(9) Whenever any of our kids fell sick, Ayah would be so nonchalant about it (when I would be worried sick macam nak gila), and the only thing he would say would be, "Just give them some panadol, and see how he/she is tomorrow..." I guess I can't blame him. He has seen worse cases at the hospital. But, aaaaaarrggghhh!!!

(10) Sometimes, we couldn't really plan for the weekend because Ayah was on-call and he couldn't really promise that it wouldn't be busy at the hospital, could he? Syukur alhamdulilah, the kids understood this, and they didn't complain if we couldn't do the things that they wanted to do for the weekend. Bless them.

(11) And, of course - being late for events or functions...countless times, I tell you, because Ayah had to attend to his patients first.

(12) And I can't remember when was the last time he DIDN'T go to the hospital to see his patients during weekends. Saturday AND Sunday. But, one thing about Ayah - he knows how I treasure time with the family masa weekend, so, normally he would make a point to go to the hospital early in the morning, when the kids and I belum bangun lagi, and he would be back by 10 or 11 a.m when we are all ready for whatever impromptu plans we make.

(13) And when he was involved as the principal investigator in drug trials/research, he would be on the phone continuously with the reps from the drug companies to update them on every single development of the research in real time, even in the wee hours of the morning when he had to do emergency procedures which he had to report there and then. Memang sakit jiwer I...MAJOR sakit jiwer, I tell you...

And I would be lying if I said that I never had doubts on whether he was really working during those long hours. Jahatnya I, kan?! But, as a wife, of course we would be worried about all that, kan? Hati perempuan...when we feel we're being neglected, we automatically will think that our husbands have some distractions elsewhere. Normal lah kan? Tu yang kekadang tu "Cold War" tu...but, after a while I stopped melayan all those doubts. Tidak bagus untuk kesihatan mental :) Hehehe!

And it goes without saying lah kan, mulut I dulu memang selalu monchong 4 batu when all these happened. But, syukur alhamdulillah, the monchong is now reduced to 1 batu ajer... Still working on how to not monchong at all...Getting there, getting there...insya Allah :)

When the kids were smaller, I found it hard to understand the nature of his work because I felt so overwhelmed with everything - work, house chores, kids and he was rarely at home. Selalu rasa lonely and frustrated coz' tak leh nak mencurah perasaan when I needed somebody to talk to. I never could understand why it was always the patients first, and the family second.

But, now I do, especially when the kids are older and independent and they themselves have accepted their life as it is. It's much easier, especially when I have them around to layan perasaan I. Hehehe!

So there - bukti-bukti bahawa I WAS NOT A PATIENT DOCTOR'S WIFE, and still NOT 100% patient yet now :)

But, insya Allah I will try my best to improve and be more patient from now on. I'm working on it. And, my do'a that Allah SWT will tingkatkan tahap kesabaran I to be a better wife, insya Allah. Amin.

31 comments:

tireless mom said...

Dear Shana,

Sabor sabor.....


Guess memang orang macam you je yang can get married to a doctor, you know what I mean. You are doing fine, dont worry. I am sure Ayah appreciates you more than you know.

yatidell said...

Shana, interesting post.
Even tho' I'm not a doctor's wife, I can identify with you sbb my hubby's nature of work pun lebih kurang sama. Dulu masa dia kerja kat offshore in Miri, for 3 years I jumpa dia 12 days je in a month. Pastu bila dia keje kat P*t**n*s, once in a while dia akan pergi offshore for 2 weeks. Pernah I beraya without him n dah 2 weeks after raya baru dia balik. Before I went to Sudan with him, pun pernah beraya dgn anak2 je. I pun macam you kadang2 tu merajuk, cold war, mcm2 la...tp bila fikir2 kesian kat dia. What you've written mmg somehow kena jg dgn I. My hubby enjoys his work n ini rezeki kitaorg, alhamdulillah. Tp biasa lah kan makin tua makin manja kan...hehehe! Even now pun dia kerja shifts, susah dapat cuti. Tonite I sahur la dgn anak2 je. Arwah my mom ajar sabar kat I so bila I rasa nak menjerit I baca doa ni alhamdulillah tenang.
Insya Allah, I'm sure ur Ayah is so deeply in love with you for being a great wife.

Anonymous said...

Akak ni lawak la....

Anis,
Newcastle, UK

Kmar said...

Shana,

You ni memang tabah orangnya... sebab tu Tuhan jodohkan you dengan Doktor Ayah. From muncung 4km .. now down to 1km... and hopefully to ´no muncung´ at all... I boleh bagi pingat Isteri Mithali!!!! If I am in your shoes, rasanya my muncung mahu 40km!!!

I presume holidays abroad is the only time that you sekeluarga can get-together without being disturbed. So, please include Spain as one of your future family destination..he.he.he...

MAMAMIA said...

I'm no doctor's wife, tapi nasib kita serupa....

Boleh tak I copy paste aje yr entry ni into my blog? With some editing here & there, everything else matched to a T.

U r right, yg mentally disturbing is when we have doubts whether hubby is having some 'distractions' elsewhere. Kalau dilayan, memang sakit jiwa.

Kita kena form a club lah Shana....

Selamat beribadah di bulan Ramadhan..

wanshana said...

Dear Kak Yatt @ TM,

"I am sure Ayah appreciates you more than you know" - I hope so! He'd better! Hehehehe!

Dah immuned dah, Kak Yatt :)

wanshana said...

Kak Yati,

Then I'd BETTER stop whining NOW and reduce my monchong to ZERO batu effective from NOW!

Your situation lagi sedih than mine! Only 12 days in a month for 3 years?! Pernah beraya without him?! Aiyoyo! I sure monchong 40 batu macam Kmar.

Mine - the longest he had been away was only 2 months. Itu pun towards the last 10 days tu, the kids and I joined him. He was in Adelaide that time. So far, tak pernah la beraya without him, but, him going to the hospital masa pagi raya memang teramatlah selalu.

And you're right, it's rezqi keluarga. Syukur alhamdulillah.

I tabik spring kat you. Care to share the do'a with us here, please, Kak Yati? Thanks :)

wanshana said...

Hi Anis,

Hehehehe!

* Is this Dr Anis Sa*ura? ;)

wanshana said...

Kmar,

I rasa masa memula kawin dulu memang monchong 40 batu kot?! Hehehe! But, yeah - the kids and I are so used to it now. Dah macam ada built-in patience in us :)

Kmar, kekadang tu, holiday abroad pun he would get calls from the hospital. Kurang-kurang pun they would SMS him. Aiyayayayay...

Thank you for the invitation, dear. Insya Allah we'll take up on it. Kids would love that. Roast Lamb again, huh? ;)

Selamat Berpuasa to you and Jose. What time berbuka and Imsak over there, ya?

wanshana said...

Mamamia,

Dipersilakan cut and paste :) And let's! What shall we name the club, ya? ;)

But, I think you would agree with me in saying that the kids actually play a big role in maintaing our sanity dealing with their father's work, kan? Thank Allah SWT for them :)

Having doubts tu yang selalu buat kita makan hati - sometimes, unnecessarily, kan, Mamamia? Let's pray that Allah SWT berikan kita ketenangan and tak fikir yang bukan-bukan, insya Allah.

Selamat berpuasa to you and family, too. What's the menu for tonight?

yatidell said...

Hi Shana,
Of course bole share doa tu...Sorry lambat sikit sbb I was searching for the ayat in the Quran. Doa sabar ni dari Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 249, bermula dari ....rabbana afrigh....baca sampai al-kafirin. Maybe you dah tahu ayat ni, anyway arwah my mom ajar I kalau dalam any situation where you dah tak tahan sabar dah, baca ayat ni banyak2. Alhamdulillah, this doa helps me whenever I feel depressed or dah up-to-my-nose punya rasa impatient. Kalau nak marah anak2 pun baca doa ni insya Allah kita akan rasa tenang n tak mudah hilang sabar. Of course ada banyak lagi doa2 yang serupa but this is the one yg I selalu baca bila nak hilang sabar. Hope it will help.

Pp said...

:)
wan shana, saya tersenyum di penghujung hari pertama ramadan membaca luahan rasa seorang isteri yang bagitu sayangkan suami...
asam garam kehidupan! begitulah.
janji, menang dalam perjuangan.

u and the doc, are two special people!

may you and family have a Blessed Ramadan!

Anonymous said...

Kak Shana,

I can fully empathise with this entry. Sometimes I rasa my other half expects too much from me. I'm sure your job is very busy, but I'm also in the medical profession and only up to 2 years ago, I was still doing on-calls out of hours. Enough is enough I thought when I gave birth to my 4th in 2007.

Sometimes nak nangis pun ada. Almost everything is on me in terms of the runnings of the home and children. I wonder if he even realise what he is doing most of the time.

Tapi as you say, over time one gets use to it. I must say it is an unhealthy way of getting use to a life that is beyond your control. Alhamdulillah, the kids have kept me sane. Sometimes I do wonder is it worth it?? Life is too short I feel and he has missed out on a lot in the early years of the kids.

Anyway, enough ramblings, esp on first day of Ramadhan. Sign me up for the club...I do qualify!! (Ni satu lagi sakit jiwa coz the nurses here are so readily touchy feely and won't hesitate to give the docs a peck on the cheek.....eeeee geram!!!)

Me in Sheffield

yatidell said...

Shana,
Sorry. Ayat doa tu bukan 249 but 250, silap tengok no. dia.

Naz said...

When in doubt about something, I always tell myself that there are 10 people out there who are tackling the same situation in a much better way. Having said that, I also tell myself that there are at least 20 failing horribly.
A pat on the back and time for a reality-check... hehe!
Keep cool, dear :)

wanshana said...

Hi Kak Yati,

Thank you so much for sharing the do'a with us. I'm sure the other readers would also find this helpful, not just me :) God bless.

Noted - it's Ayat 250, and not 249 :)

Take care, dear!

wanshana said...

Abang Id,

:)

Tu lah kan...what to do? Memang sebab terlalu sayangkan suami lah timbul perasaan-perasaan macam ni. Bila suami macam tak acknowledge perasaan kita, tu yang kita selalu terfikir, mungkin dia tak 'terlalu sayangkan' kita, macam kita terlalu sayangkan dia... I think most men are like that. They tend to take their wives for granted.

Cuba one fine day, we wives just stop doing whatever we do everyday for the hubbies and the family, and see whether the hubbies can cope or not. I give the hubbies until half a day ajer, and their lives would be topsy turvy already.

Thanks, Abang Id. You and Kak LiL are two very special couple, too :)

Selamat menjalani ibadah berpuasa dan ibadah-ibadah sewaktu dengannya bersama keluarga dengan tenang dan sempurna, insya Allah.

wanshana said...

Hi M***i @ Me in Sheffield,

Yes, I understand how much more difficult it is with you being a doc, too! Tapi, kena banyak bersabar, dear.

I'm very sure he appreciates what you've done, what you're doing and what you have sacrificed for him and the family all this while. But, yeah - men being men, it's so difficult for them to actually show their appreciation to the wives.

And I'm sure he feels it, too - missing so much on the kids' early years. And men being men again, they would always come up with an excuse that what they're doing (being busy at work, etc) is actually all for the kids. But, we have to remind them every now and then that sooner or later, the kids will no longer be kids, Or even worse, the kids may not even appreciate pun what they're doing because they resent the fact that the fatheres are rarely at home with them... I would tell that to Abg Haizal every now and then, too.

Nanti, I hantar Borang Keahlian Kelab kat you, okay? ;)

Take care, dear. Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan. Semoga bulan yang mulia ini meningkatkan kesabaran kita para isteri, insya Allah.

wanshana said...

Naz,

I'm cool...I'm cool..Hehehe!

Yes, you're right. I always ingatkan myself, seberat mana beban kita, or sesedih mana pun kita, there are others out there yang memepunyai beban yang lebih berat, and kesedihan yang lebih mendalam. And we should bersyukur dengan hidup kita, whatever the shortcomings may be. I guess that's one of the things that have kept me sane all these years :)

Thanks, dear. Take care :)

Amy said...

Kak Shana, nak join club walaupun hubby bukan doktor :). Zul kan keje shift so adalah perkara biasa saya pegi kenduri without him, lagi la orang 'kesian', dah le takde anak :). Muncung ni dah tak tahu nak kira dah, kadang2 org tak paham bila I find joy even in just strolling in pasar ramadhan with him before he goes to work. Bukannya big deal pun jalan2 pegi pasar ramadhan kan. Tapi tu je la masa yg ada pun kadang2, dapat spend 1/2 hour pun cukup :P. And betul kak shana kata ada orang yg lebih worst. Masa Amy update FB yg Amy sahur sorang2, ada kawan Amy yg hubby dia dah passed away balas comment Amy kata dia pun sahur sorang2, masa tu baru tersedar diri. Aduih.

Ummi365 said...

oooo i thot i was the only having the same problem like you.. i pun muncung 4 km.. lagilah sekarang jauhkan kalau dia tak call or tak sms mulalah i naik hangin.. biasalah kan kita perempuan mestilah ada perasaan syak wasangka tu.. dah lah tu call mahal masih mau marah2 lagi.. ish ish itulah perempuan kan. but alhamdulillah now i manage to control it with SEWING!!!.. tak heran lah kalau dia tak call pun sebab i have diverted my anger to someting useful hehehe..

edelweiss said...

kak shana...

tuh kira dah bagus dah tuh...nama pun manusia kan kan... hehhehhheh

tapi semuanya berbaloi kan ;)

take care

wanshana said...

Amy,

Boleh. Nanti akak post Borang Keahlian :)

Memang Akak always ingatkan diri that ada orang yang lebih teruk situation dia from mine...But, reading what you wrote about your friend really brought a huge lump to my throat. Tersedar that I should lebih memanjatkan kesyukuran to Allah SWT for everything HE had bestowed upon me and my family... Thanks, Amy.

Yes, I'm like you, too. I find joy even to go and get keropok lekor or gi beli groceries kat Mini Market dekat rumah ni when Ayah is with me. Hehehe!

wanshana said...

Ummi,

Your situation lagi lah sedih. I really tabik spring to you and those wives yang husbands kerja jauh and only get to see them once in a blue moon. Dah lah rindu-rinduan, and then have to uruskan household and anak-anak sesorang. Banyak pahala you all.

Yes, I think by keeping ourselves busy, tak terasa sangat the fact that they're not around. Sewing is definitely not for me yang sungguh tak ada seni :) I guess blogging does take my mind off things.

Take care!

wanshana said...

Mynn @ Edelweiss,

Yes, syukur alhamdulillah. Memang berbaloi walau pun dah tak boleh kira dah berapa banyak batu monchong I ni kalau dikumpulkan dari dulu :)

You take care, too, dear!

Desert Rose said...

Kak Shana Dear,

Memang u so sabar, made for each other.

And now I'm praying for my brother plak, terbalik sikit, wifey dia yg doktor, all the on calls and nite shift hu hu hu. Dah plak she is expecting now...i yg risau kat they all, always check to see if everythin's ok.

wanshana said...

Dear Eja @ DR,

I guess the years together have made me tolerant kot? And the fact that I've never known any other lives/lifestyle, so I accept seda-adanya :)

Being a husband to a wife who's a doctor lagilah perlukan kesabaran yang extra tinggi. The husband must be ultra-understanding and must be willing to make a lot of sacrifices, and sanggup ditinggal-tinggalkan. Not easy for a lot of men, but I'm sure your brother will be fine. Yang penting - ada family support yang kuat, and I can see that you and your family have a very strong bond. It's not an impossible relationship. I have girl friends who are doctors who are married to non-medic husbands and they're very happy. Pucuk pangkalnya - patience and understanding, and give and take, and push your ego and pride aside for the sake of your loved one :)

IBU said...

Shana dear

Perempuan2 seperti kita ni memang memerlukan lelaki2 yg penyabar. hehehehe....

And tak berapa banyak cakap. So that bila kita berleter, they can just ignore us. Not that we mind pun, we just have to let it out of our system.

From another "patience's" wife
Ibu la...sapa lagi

wanshana said...

IBU!!

How are you, my dear? Lama sungguh kita tak ada sessi MT, kan? Hope your puasa has been okay so far.

4 more weeks before your EDD, right? Dah packed bag sepital, belum? My do'a semoga everything goes smoothly, insya Allah.

You're right - nasib baik lah all the MT spouses are very patient with us, kan? And they could tahan their wifeys' leteran (be it verbally or written, like what I've done here...Hehehe!)

But, I think they're lucky to have us, too, coz' we are also very penyabar with them yang soooooooo laid back and phlegmatic, sampai kekadang tu we feel like shaking them coz' susah sangat nak express themselves, kan?! Over-penyenyap lah pulok :)

Superwomanwannabe said...

Hahahaha...

I always tell Jab that it would be nice if he complains once in a while instead of looking as if he actually enjoys it hahaha!

kesabaran - jauh lagi ....tapi kesian tu yang kena diam tuh....

wanshana said...

Shila,

Hehehe...betul tu. I pun always wonder, kenapalah Haizal tak pernah nak complain banyak kerja/busy memanjang. I yang selalu dok complain on his behalf. Hehehe!

And you're right, too - I kesian tengok how exhausted he is sometimes and still has to kumpul energy to go back to the hospital whenever he's called back.

So, tersedar sendiri - orang committed to work tak hengat dunia, and there I was feeling sorry for myself...

All the best to both of us, Shila :)