My dua sen on "When there's a third party in the equation"...

I was so flabbergasted when I read about the nikah between the two celebrities who all this while had maintained that their relationship was just a platonic one. Platonic my *&%$!

My heart goes out to his ex-wife. And his kids.

Fine, people may come to me and say we should not be judgmental against any of the parties because we don't really know what went on during their marriage, and that we don't really know who was at fault, and maybe, the marriage was already on the rocks when the third party came into the picture.

Fine. I don't really know these two celebrities personally, and I don't know his ex-wife. And I for sure didn't, and still don't know what went on in their marriage.

And fine. Ini soal jodoh.

So, I'm not going to throw accusations or be judgmental against these two celebrities. But, what I'm going to write is just how I feel about situations when there's a third party in a relationship.

And this is meant not just for the hubbies out there, but also the wifeys, okay? And also peringatan untuk diri I sendiri, and also for Ayah, insya Allah.

All marriages would have its ups and downs. We can't deny that. More often than not, a marriage would start being on the rocks WHEN there's a third party. But, if there's no third party in the picture, both husband and wife would, more often than not, try their utmost best to deal with the situation and resolve the crisis. This is especially so when there are kids involved. They would be more focused on addressing whatever issues which may have caused the rift between them because there's no third party to distract them from the effort. Nothing to distract the wife, nor the husband. So, both would, insya Allah, try their best to save the marriage. But, when there's a third party in the equation, the third party would more often than not, take that focus away. And the third party would always seem to be offering a better deal than your own spouse. More exciting. A novelty. Konon.

And the third party would always seem to be a good excuse for the husband or the wife to throw the towel in and call it quits, because he or she would be thinking, "Heck...If this marriage were to end, it's okay because I already have someone who's willing to start a new life with me and be my wife or husband. The divorce won't be that painful. And life would just continue as it is, albeit I'll be going through it with a different person". And because of that the sanctity of the marriage institution would just dissipate into thin air.

You selfish git. Yes, the divorce won't be painful for you, but what about your spouse who had been through thick and thin with you, and what about your kids?! *^%#$!

And I feel all of these could be avoided if both husband and wife are loyal and sincere and are open to each other. This is ESPECIALLY important when they know or they feel that there are girls or guys out there who are trying to hit on them. Jangan gatal nak layan or nak try to gauge how laku you are still in the market. This, I feel is the main reason why husbands and wives start to go astray. Sebab macam excited giler when somebody else (besides the wife or hubby) finds him/her attractive or desirable.

I believe that if you know or if you feel a girl or a guy is trying to make a move on you, you should tell it straight to his or her face that you're married. Tak payah selindung-selindung. You don't owe him/her anything. But, you do owe your spouse your loyalty.

BUT, MORE IMPORTANTLY, I BELIEVE YOU SHOULD SHARE THIS WITH YOUR SPOUSE. You should tell your spouse about the particular girl or guy, and you should always update your spouse on whatever attempts the guy or the girl is making to get you. Don't wait. And jangan nak syok sendiri and rasa thrilled macam beruk when somebody shows interests in you. Your love to your spouse mesti teguh. Dan yang lebih penting, Imaan kena teguh. You should share all these things with your spouse. MESTI. WAJIB.

Once your spouse is in the know about your pursuer, this will ensure that you stay anchored to the marriage. And trust me, your spouse who before that may take you for granted, will also start paying more attention to you because they then realize that they have a prized possession in you. They have a competition. And they don't want to lose, do they?

In sum -

(1) Jangan layan lebih-lebih mereka-mereka yang menggedik dan menggatal nak tackle you.

(2) Make it clear to them and SHOW them that you're VERY married. Flaunt your spouse in front of them.

(3) Make sure you tell your spouse about the third party who's trying to get you.

(4) UPDATE your spouse regularly on the pursuer's pursuits on you.

(5) Better still, introduce your spouse to the pursuer.

(6) And if your spouse is the one who's being pursued, make a point to get your spouse to bring you to see his/her pursuer. Sit down with him/her, and tell him/her straight to his/her face not to waste his/her time on your spouse.

I think this is VERY important because the pursuer normally would think that the spouse of his/her desired catch does not know about the whole thing and that's why they all makin daring to try whatever it may take to get that person. But, if he/she knows the spouse tahu about what he or she is trying to do, this may menyedarkan diri dia that it's a futile effort to carry on. Lu pikir la sendiri...

(7) DON'T be the third party.

(8) DON'T encourage the third party.


BUT, of course all of this will only work if BOTH husband and wife are loyal, sincere and open with each other from the start. It's important that you tell your spouse straight away when a third party is trying to tackle you. VERY IMPORTANT.

AND HEY, EVEN IF THE OTHER PARTY WANTS TO BE JUST CASUAL FRIENDS, YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR OTHER HALF. VERY IMPORTANT, TOO!

You'll never know where this "casual friendship" may end up, kan? Tak kira bila and siapa, if a member of the opposite sex nak kawan dengan kita, even if they are sincere, you have to let your spouse know. Berdosa kalau tak bagitau. Kena mintak izin.

Again, all the above is also as peringatan for myself and Ayah, too. I pray and hope that all these dijauhkan. And I pray and hope that both Ayah and I will continue to be open with each other, insya Allah. Amin.

And last but, not least, I'm a strong believer of the notion, "What goes around, comes around".

If today kita menggedik and menggatal nak tackle laki or bini orang, one fine day, ada orang yang akan tackle laki and bini kita...Baru kita rasa...

If today kita menyakitkan and melukakan hati isteri atau suami kita by abandoning him or her to be with a new person, one fine day that new love will also do the same to us.

If today kita merampas hak orang, one fine day, hak kita juga akan dirampas.

If we hold on to that, insya Allah, we will not hurt others, and we will not be hurt by others. Amin.

Again, ini adalah untuk renungan bersama for all the husbands AND wives out there, ya...