Tuesday, August 18, 2009

My dua sen on "When there's a third party in the equation"...

I was so flabbergasted when I read about the nikah between the two celebrities who all this while had maintained that their relationship was just a platonic one. Platonic my *&%$!

My heart goes out to his ex-wife. And his kids.

Fine, people may come to me and say we should not be judgmental against any of the parties because we don't really know what went on during their marriage, and that we don't really know who was at fault, and maybe, the marriage was already on the rocks when the third party came into the picture.

Fine. I don't really know these two celebrities personally, and I don't know his ex-wife. And I for sure didn't, and still don't know what went on in their marriage.

And fine. Ini soal jodoh.

So, I'm not going to throw accusations or be judgmental against these two celebrities. But, what I'm going to write is just how I feel about situations when there's a third party in a relationship.

And this is meant not just for the hubbies out there, but also the wifeys, okay? And also peringatan untuk diri I sendiri, and also for Ayah, insya Allah.

All marriages would have its ups and downs. We can't deny that. More often than not, a marriage would start being on the rocks WHEN there's a third party. But, if there's no third party in the picture, both husband and wife would, more often than not, try their utmost best to deal with the situation and resolve the crisis. This is especially so when there are kids involved. They would be more focused on addressing whatever issues which may have caused the rift between them because there's no third party to distract them from the effort. Nothing to distract the wife, nor the husband. So, both would, insya Allah, try their best to save the marriage. But, when there's a third party in the equation, the third party would more often than not, take that focus away. And the third party would always seem to be offering a better deal than your own spouse. More exciting. A novelty. Konon.

And the third party would always seem to be a good excuse for the husband or the wife to throw the towel in and call it quits, because he or she would be thinking, "Heck...If this marriage were to end, it's okay because I already have someone who's willing to start a new life with me and be my wife or husband. The divorce won't be that painful. And life would just continue as it is, albeit I'll be going through it with a different person". And because of that the sanctity of the marriage institution would just dissipate into thin air.

You selfish git. Yes, the divorce won't be painful for you, but what about your spouse who had been through thick and thin with you, and what about your kids?! *^%#$!

And I feel all of these could be avoided if both husband and wife are loyal and sincere and are open to each other. This is ESPECIALLY important when they know or they feel that there are girls or guys out there who are trying to hit on them. Jangan gatal nak layan or nak try to gauge how laku you are still in the market. This, I feel is the main reason why husbands and wives start to go astray. Sebab macam excited giler when somebody else (besides the wife or hubby) finds him/her attractive or desirable.

I believe that if you know or if you feel a girl or a guy is trying to make a move on you, you should tell it straight to his or her face that you're married. Tak payah selindung-selindung. You don't owe him/her anything. But, you do owe your spouse your loyalty.

BUT, MORE IMPORTANTLY, I BELIEVE YOU SHOULD SHARE THIS WITH YOUR SPOUSE. You should tell your spouse about the particular girl or guy, and you should always update your spouse on whatever attempts the guy or the girl is making to get you. Don't wait. And jangan nak syok sendiri and rasa thrilled macam beruk when somebody shows interests in you. Your love to your spouse mesti teguh. Dan yang lebih penting, Imaan kena teguh. You should share all these things with your spouse. MESTI. WAJIB.

Once your spouse is in the know about your pursuer, this will ensure that you stay anchored to the marriage. And trust me, your spouse who before that may take you for granted, will also start paying more attention to you because they then realize that they have a prized possession in you. They have a competition. And they don't want to lose, do they?

In sum -

(1) Jangan layan lebih-lebih mereka-mereka yang menggedik dan menggatal nak tackle you.

(2) Make it clear to them and SHOW them that you're VERY married. Flaunt your spouse in front of them.

(3) Make sure you tell your spouse about the third party who's trying to get you.

(4) UPDATE your spouse regularly on the pursuer's pursuits on you.

(5) Better still, introduce your spouse to the pursuer.

(6) And if your spouse is the one who's being pursued, make a point to get your spouse to bring you to see his/her pursuer. Sit down with him/her, and tell him/her straight to his/her face not to waste his/her time on your spouse.

I think this is VERY important because the pursuer normally would think that the spouse of his/her desired catch does not know about the whole thing and that's why they all makin daring to try whatever it may take to get that person. But, if he/she knows the spouse tahu about what he or she is trying to do, this may menyedarkan diri dia that it's a futile effort to carry on. Lu pikir la sendiri...

(7) DON'T be the third party.

(8) DON'T encourage the third party.


BUT, of course all of this will only work if BOTH husband and wife are loyal, sincere and open with each other from the start. It's important that you tell your spouse straight away when a third party is trying to tackle you. VERY IMPORTANT.

AND HEY, EVEN IF THE OTHER PARTY WANTS TO BE JUST CASUAL FRIENDS, YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR OTHER HALF. VERY IMPORTANT, TOO!

You'll never know where this "casual friendship" may end up, kan? Tak kira bila and siapa, if a member of the opposite sex nak kawan dengan kita, even if they are sincere, you have to let your spouse know. Berdosa kalau tak bagitau. Kena mintak izin.

Again, all the above is also as peringatan for myself and Ayah, too. I pray and hope that all these dijauhkan. And I pray and hope that both Ayah and I will continue to be open with each other, insya Allah. Amin.

And last but, not least, I'm a strong believer of the notion, "What goes around, comes around".

If today kita menggedik and menggatal nak tackle laki or bini orang, one fine day, ada orang yang akan tackle laki and bini kita...Baru kita rasa...

If today kita menyakitkan and melukakan hati isteri atau suami kita by abandoning him or her to be with a new person, one fine day that new love will also do the same to us.

If today kita merampas hak orang, one fine day, hak kita juga akan dirampas.

If we hold on to that, insya Allah, we will not hurt others, and we will not be hurt by others. Amin.

Again, ini adalah untuk renungan bersama for all the husbands AND wives out there, ya...

60 comments:

adibah said...

wa caya lu lah shana. usually wives will tell the husbands but not them lah. if tell the truth to the wife, nanti wife paranoid pulak. tell the truth pun tak Ok and Not telling the truth pun tak OK. so how? my sincere advice - be loyal & honest to each other. and of coz ramai yg jealous dgn kita and will try to separate us. ada yg dengki .... but byk2 berdoa2lah pada ALLAH. wallahualam...

kay_leeda said...

Shana,

It's sad isn't it when the someone close to you decides to "angkat kaki". And this happens all because of the third "thing" (not worth to be called "person" even)

I feel for the wife. It's betrayal of the worst kind.

Yes, menang teramat agree with you when you say kita yg dah ber-spouse ni tak perlu lah nak try, test power lagi. If the "power" wasn't there, you and the other half wouldn't have made it together in the first place. So use the good & strong aura, power (call them whatever you want lah) on each other still. No need nak pi cari yg lain.

Honesty, no matter how painful, is always the best.

knv said...

salam terjah sis! (first time comment walaupun silent reader tegarrr :P)

i couldn't agree more!

bila tengah retak menanti belah, datang aje the third party, haruslah terus terbelah!

why can't they get this? marriage vows are supposed to be honored through thicks n thins! hoh masa tu sure dah tak ingat dah semua janji manis dulu2 tu!

so true what goes around comes around. tak jadi kat kita pun. nanti2 jadi kat anak cucu kita.

so scary!

Pp said...

whoarrrr....tajuk hangat!!!
lelaki pertama komen ka i nih. hehehe.
berani ka untuk saya bersuara...?
but but but, i agree lah!
...nak share satu joke boleh ka...

ada satu petang yang suram2, seorang budak lelaki melalui sebuah rumah sepasang suami isteri, dan terdengar si isteri merungut, "errm ayahnya ni tak power lansung...entah bila kucing bertanduk lah baru boleh 'naik' benda tu!"
huhuhhu....
budak itu beredar dengan sayu memikirkan betapa tensennya si suami.
tetiba, dengan tak semena-mena, budak itu ternampak se ekor kucing yang bertanduk. dia terus tersenyum dan menjerit, 'Yes!!! go for it Pak Din... tunjuk power tuh!!"
Pak Din ialah nama si suami tadi.

huhuhu. sorry lari dari tajuk.
tapi jika tak power, tak yah lah nak test power!! itu mesej saya nak ceritakan. Tunggu jer lah kucing bertanduk! hehehehe

Waterlily said...

Hmm...I pernah tengok couple yang very loving and close, ke mana pegi mesti berdua - macam belangkas - tapi divorce akhirnya. No third party.

I pernah tengok, couple yang muda, isteri masih dalam pantang anak ke 3, suami kawin lain - ni obvious yang 2nd to jadi third party lah.

I sedang melihat, this guy ni yang ada bini punya lah lawa jelita (boley kira celebrity pasal dia selalu jugak keluar tv), ada 3 anak punya comel, tapi the guy (masih/tengah)suka main main dengan third party. Main tahap mana? Up to your imagination.

Memang seram bila kita tengok benda2 ni - but one thing I learn, LOVE DOEST NOT LAST FOREVER AND EVER macam dalam cerita disney or cerita wayang. LOVE HAS TO BE NURTURED. And with that, along come sacrifices that have to be made. Sigh ..Shana...apa nak jadi ya? I have actually met and ada kawan2 yang jadi 3rd party ni..yang buat first move (in their case) is always the guy la. The girls tak kisah dah berumur ke tak, janji poket penuh. Ada jugak yang tak kisah sebab the guy ada 'experience' konon. The guys laaagii tak kisah sebab ..well aint it obvious? sebab dapat pucuk muda lah! Ooopss..dah melalut dah ni..whatever it is, minta dijauhkan lah bebenda ni..

wanshana said...

Kak Adeeb,

That's the problem -

(i) husbands always think wife cannot take it or will not understand

(ii) husband saja memang nak test power and sengaja tak nak bagi tau.

Why don't they just tell the wife if ada pompuan kacau dia, kan? Semua ni berpangkal pada niat. Kalau niat dah memang nak melayan pompuan lain, maka nothing else done will help the marriage.

Yes, kena banyak berdoa pada Allah SWT.

wanshana said...

Kay,

Yes, it is sad...And mintak dijauhkan dari menimpa kita pulak...Nauzubillah.I cannot and don't want to imagine if I were to be in his ex's shoes :(

Betul tu...honesty and loyalty tu amat penting. If tak ada these two elements in a marriage, tu yang ada nak try test market tu...

wanshana said...

knv,

Salams and welcome. It's always nice to have new friends over here :)

Bila orang tengah kemaruk/menggatal/miang/menggedik tu, segala janji manis dulu dah berpindah ke kekasih baru. Tu lah sebabnya anak bini/suami dah jadi a distant memory!

And you're right, mungkin balasan tu tak dapat kat kita, tapi pada anak cucu kita. That's why kita kena berfikir panjang kalau nak berbuat sesuatu.

Yes, the sanctity of the marriage institution seems to be of no value nowadays. It's very sad indeed.

wanshana said...

Abang Id,

HAHAHAHA!! Betul tu, kalau dah tak power, jangan lah cuba nak guna plug point yang lain, ye dak?! :) Tak ade pekdah nya...

Masalahnya, some people yang nak tunggu kucing bertanduk tu, bila tak kunjung tiba, depa ni will come up with their own version of kucing bertanduk to legitimze their actions.

Salam to Kak Lil ye, Abang Id :)

Kat said...

Which celebrities are you talking about? i feel a tad behind the times.

It is such a travesty when this sort of thing happens. Takes Paully's sister for instance, on the day she died, she was about to find out he was cheating on her. It's just disgusting!

This post is a great rant and i 100% agree (and i got married just under a year ago!)

wishing you the best Sharina!

wanshana said...

Aida @ Waterlily,

Memang betul tu - Love has to be nurtured. Even if masa kawin tu there was no love between the husband and wife, but, if it's nurtured properly, insya Allah it'll be a happy marriage.

And I do agree with you, banyak sebabnya why a marriage fails. Memang seribu satu macam. Memang menakutkan. And one of the sebab is this "third party" factor.

And my posting ni is just about this factor, and how, if it happens to us - samada we're being pursued, or if our spouse is being pursued, how we should handle the whole thing to make sure benda tu tak melarat-larat out of hand sampai bercerai-berai.

And yes...Amin. Minta dijauhkan perkara-perkara ni dari menimpa kita.

* Are you back in KL or still in Kuching?

wanshana said...

Hi Kat!!

Hehehe...No, dear. You're not behind on any Hollywood goosips. I was writing about a couple of Malaysian celebrities who just got married over the weekend after denying rumors that they were an item. The guy just divorced the wife a couple of months ago! (We do have those here, too, you know? Celebrities, I mean ;))

Yes, it's scandalous when it happens.

Which Paully? OUR Paully? Which sister? Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know. When was this? He's such a RAT!

But, Kat - I do believe what I wrote here. We must always share all these things with our hubbies before things get out of control.

You take care, okay? Say "Hello" to Ed for me, please :)

Kat said...

Yes yes, OUR Paully and her sister Nadia. (we met both she and the rat). Horrible!

No question Ed and I will talk. you can't have a healthy relationship if you keep something like that to yourself.

Hehe, yeah i knew you had celebrities there... not that i've heard about any of them... maybe i need to start reading the Malaysian newspapers! :-)

wanshana said...

Nadia?! Oh my God...I'm just shocked. How did she die? Was she ill? And they just got married a couple of years ago...and they seemed so happy together then.

SUPER RAT THAT ONE!!! >:(

tireless mom said...

Three cheers for Shana. Yay!

Kita boycott sama ustaz rebonding tu for making the ex-wife and children's lives miserable and suffer.

Jee... I am sure Desert Rose would enjoy reading your entry.

kudo said...

hear! hear!

Naz said...

totally agree with the *what goes around comes around*
I'm not here to throw judgement on individual case but generally speaking, I despise people who despite knowing a person is married, still carries on with the game and the whole balooba.

Minta kita semua dijauhkan dari masalah orang ketiga ni lah ya :)

wanshana said...

Kak Yatt,

Hip hip Hooray!!! Hehehe!

Tu lah....Orang tengah khusyuk masyhuk bercinta, bukan dia kisah perasaan anak bini. Hairan sungguh...you've spent so many years together, loving each other, and suddenly you just couldn't care less about that person because you found somebody "better"?

Simpang...simpang...

Yes, I pun dok tunggu reaksi Desert Rose ni :)

wanshana said...

Kudo,

You'd better ;)!

wanshana said...

Naz,

Amin...Insya Allah dijauhkan.

Exactly my sentiment - dah tau orang tu dah kawin, toksah lah dok hambat dia. Coba imagine kalau kita in the wife's shoes, kan? Tak boleh pikiaq ka?

Yes, what goes around comes around. Nanti kita tunggu boomerang had lagu mana mai balik kat depa...

Kama said...

VEry well-said, my dear... sebijik-sebijik kena.. a very timely reminder indeed.

edelweiss said...

Kak Shana...

Setuju setuju setuju.....!!!!!!!!!

Thank u thank u thank u... :)

what goes around comes around kan!

wanshana said...

Thanks, Kak Puteri :)

But, if we were to think about it, memang pun - if we do not nip it in the bud (in this case - butt?! Hehehe!) memang akan melarat. It is so important that kita tak layan si gediks and si gatals, and we should share with our spouse.

I don't know if this posting may help all who are in the same situation now. But, if this can membuka mata and help to save even ONE marriage, syukur alhamdulillah.

wanshana said...

Edelweiss,

You're most welcome, my dear :)

I tau you mesti setuju. You kan jadi CNN for Dessert Rose pasai ni hari tu, kan? Hehehe!

Ni nak tunggu reaksi si Desert Rose pulak. Sure panaaaaassss!!!

Anonymous said...

Yesss..i sokong you 200%!!!

Busybody

wanshana said...

Busybody (I take it that it's you, Jah? :))

Terima kasih di atas sokongan anda... Hehehe!

mr engineer said...

Hehehehe.....even though you may be the author of this posting but, when I was reading it, my dear wife's image kept invading my brain....you gals memang think alike...I memang selalu kena preached like this.

She always tells me that she trusts me; it's just that she doesn't trust those ladies out there! I told her don't worry, I will display botol susu inside my car just to warn those potential kayu tiga that I am married with kids!..hehehe

Desert Rose said...

Kak Shana,

good one. Tq

For me 2 benda saja :-

1. Jgn gatal nak attempt any relation pun if u r laki n bapak org, don even start n don even think of it...selamat. La takrobu zina,....Allah kata jgn MENDEKATI zinz.Maksudnya, setakat dekatkan diri pada benda yg boleh membawa pad maksiat pun TAK BOLEH, apatah lagi buat maksiat kan. Like my what I wrote before, why u allow ur so called holy self, seen in public, at nite berdua dua tepi pantai, tgk md nite...tu bukan mendekati maksiat ke??? And u katanya USTAZ, tu yg tak paham

2. Mg jodoh adalah takdir. Tapi I tetap berpendapat, peremouan yg baik tak akan nak laki org, apatah lagi bapak orang. To b or not to be, the choice is yours.

Sekian. Saya emosi...sorry kak.

wanshana said...

Shidy @ Mr. Engineer,

Well, like they say - great minds think alike ;)

Yes, it's all the perempuan gediks out there that we're worried about, but, like they say - it takes two to tango. So, you ngan Haizal jangan memandai-mandai nak tango pulak, okay?!

And errrr, while you're at it, besides the botol susu, make sure ada pampers segala visible in your car, okay? ;)

wanshana said...

Eja,

Betul, dan betul. I agree.

Apa ke *^%$#@! nya dok berdua kat tepi pantai masa tengah malam tu. Qiyamullail ka?! And yes - dah tau orang tu dah ada bini and anak-anak, awatlah dok nak tunjuk manja and kelip-kelip mata kat dia tu, kan?

Don't worry about being emo. I pun emo jugak. I asked Ayah, "Kenapa you tak leave comments in this posting", and he replied, "I tak tau macam mana nak comment - you macam marah sangat"!

Tau tak aper. Hehehe!

yatidell said...

Em, sudikan kiranya saya pun nak mengomen ni...agak terlewat skit but nak susun ayat agar kegeraman tu nampak jelas...hehehe!
I selama ni x tau sgt pasai ustaz tu xcept dia ada cafe @Oasis kan..tp x sangka la dia gamak buat camtu...
Yaa lah, kita ni sebagai pompuan sebenarnya kena jaga maruah kita dan jaga nama baik pompuan bukan menjatuhkan sesama kita just for seronok je...n I agree dgn you sangat2 pasai wat goes around comes around. I pun selalu jugak bersyarah kat my hubby pasai the gediks ni sbb masa dia keje kat P**r**n*s dulu ramai jg staff tua bangka kawin second one dgn budak2 new hire...sampai masa I kat Sudan dulu heboh org cerita sianu tu la, si anu ni la kawin lg...semua nya potray Pak Lebai...
Siapa suka kena madu, apatah lagi kena cerai, porak peranda rumahtangga, anak2 yang jadi mangsa. I think ramai lelaki yg buat perangai macam ni tak fikir anak2.ikut sedap nafsu dia je...sorry Shana, panjang lebar pulak komen I ni...

wanshana said...

Kak Yati,

Hehehe...tak per. Ramai yang emo kat sini :)

Yes, always the anak-anak yang jadi mangsa in situations like this. I just hope dia tak lupa tanggungjawab nafkah anak-anak.

And yes, more often than not (and I don't want to generalize here) the Pak Lebais yang selalu buat perangai pasang bawak cawangan. Ikut sunnah, they say. Aaaarrgghhh!!!

Boleh ke berlaku adil seadilnya to all the wives, I ask them? Kalau tak, jangan lah nak menggatal.

To me lah kan, kalau a husband can tanggung ALL expenses, and the wife tak payah keluar sesen pun of her gaji for belanja, etc, then maybe we can say the husband mampu dari segi kewangan. Dari segi tanggungjawab lain tu macam mana??!! Ingat senang ke?

D.N.A.S said...

Kak Shana, I've witnessed with my own eyes part yang 'What goes around comes around' tu. Allah is great. Akhir zaman ni ramai yang dapat balasan cash.

Sesiapa yang berniat nak betray their own spouses tu ingat-ingatlah tuhan.

MrsNordin said...

Shana,

Ideally, those are the things that husbands and wives should do to maintain a good marriage. Be open, no secret, be honest with each other. But realistically, do we all do that?

When it comes to 3rd party for example, usuallynya we won't know if ada orang ketiga yang syok kat laki kita until it's too late or dengan kuasa Allah, kita dapat petunjuknya (hee.. hee!). Because like you said, they enjoy the attention and they don't want it to end. So why should they tell the wife?

Kita ni lah yang terhegeh2 beritau our husbands EVERYthing. Every time there's a man who shows interest in us, we let our husband know coz we've got nothing to hide... coz we are loyal to them... we are honest etc, ect. Perhaps we shouldn't anymore.

Macam ni lah. Benda ni senang je. If you're not looking for it, it won't happen. Try lah macamana pun, if you're not looking for it, it just won't happen. As easy as that!

Good, thought-provoking, posting. I wish I could write longer!

About those two celebrities, I am meluat tahap maximum tengok gambar nikah depa!

Dalam Dakapan Ibu said...

Wah, macam amik class Family Planning 101! TQ and tabik la cikgu! All points padat, tepat and clear.

It's all in you actually kan, whether you allow it to happen or not. And true when people say "Jangan mendekatkan diri" coz we're juz human beings.. so easily enticed with the worldly things.

Whatever it is, yang penting is the LOYALTY!

Amy said...

Setuju!!!! *angkat dua-dua belah tangan dan kaki* amy sebenarnya pernah terjadi third party without me realizing it (so naive at the age of 21), and Amy angkat kaki terus sbb mmg tak sanggupppp melukakan hati kaum sendiri. Alhamdulillah I met Zul and hopefully takde la jadi2 mende2 ni. Alah, takde anak.. camner nak letak pampers dgn botol susu dlm kereta dia ni? :P And keje kat tempat yg ramai Melayu ni, macam aura2 pursuer tu ada je and Amy slalu citer kat Zul tapi dia kata Amy perasan :)) hihi.

Anonymous said...

He..he..he..seronok betul baca comments kat sini tapi yg tak bestnya, apasal sikit sgt male species punya comments.

It is sad kan..I always hear about these comments pasal P.Lebai from Pe...n.s..Sorry to sapa2 yg kerja sana. Tapi tak ada angin pokok tak bergoyang.

So far, those that I see that practise polygamy yg bahagia cuma from Arqam je..selalu mangsanya besides the first wife are the children la..sampai fail periksa pun ada.

He..he...ustaz rebonding..manja lintuk kedip2 mata...kita women kata geli..but men??

Busybody@Jah

Anonymous said...

Sisters. Mari bersatu. Kita kan saling kenal-mengenal suami masing-masing. So kalau nampak jer Cik Abang kengkawan kita dengan 'pompuan tak rasmi', kita approachlah. Tak kisahlah kat mana. Tegur Cik Abang tu. Tanya pasal bini dan anak-anak dia. Kirim salam sekali. Introduce diri kita kat 'pompuan tak rasmi' tu. Tanya siapa dia dan dari mana kenal Cik Abang tu. Last mention kat depa kita balik nanti nak call bini dia sebab ada hal nak bincang. Terlanjur dah jumpa laki dia pesanlah kat laki tu suruh mention kat bini yang kita akan call. Lepas tu mesti call. Kalau semua kita ni sepakat, takut gak Cik Abang nak lelebih. 'Pompuan tak rasmi' tu pun mesti kecut. Strategy yang dah berjaya beberapa kali masa I kerja P**t**n*s dulu. Lelaki ni makin tua semakin kurang self confidence. Sebab tu nak 'bertupang'. Jangan biarkan. Mari bersatu. Sama-sama hidupkan budaya 'kepoh' ni. Lagi satu kalau nampak kelibat-kelibat Cik Abang di tempat-tempat yang tak sepatutnya, call Cik Adik dan mention. Amacam?

Peah

wanshana said...

d.n.a.s,

Yes, Allah Maha Kaya...

I've seen the "what goes around comes around", too, albeit bukan kes pasang lagi satu, but kes menganiaya orang lain...

Scary.

wanshana said...

BJ,

In a way, you're right. Orang lelaki ni memang syok kalau ada pompuan syok kat dia, manja-manja ngan dia...And kalau boleh they don't want it to stop. Tu yang berahsia dengan bini! I guess we can't really change or control that.

So, the least we can do is kita yang jangan berahsia dengan suami. At least one of us is making sure she's anchored to the marriage, and insya Allah the hubby will appreciate this sooner or later. We can only try, kan?

And you're right - kalau kita tak sengaja mencari, memang tak kan terjadi benda-benda ni...

wanshana said...

Ja,

Hehehe! :)

Yes, loyalty to one's spouse, especially when reciprocated, is the key to a happy and solid marriage. We should always honor our wedding vows - for better or for worse.

Don't even THINK of flirting with somebody else's spouse. Itu memang sengaja mencari pasal...

wanshana said...

Hi Amy!

Terima kasih kerana bersetuju :)

And good on you, girl! You did the right thing, and because of that, you end up with somebody way, way, way better than that guy!

Tak ada botol susu or pampers? It's okay, no worries...you terus TAMPAL GAMBAR KAWIN kat tingkap kereta Zul...;)

And tak per lah kalau Zul cakap you perasan ke, aper ke. Yang penting you cakap ajer ngan dia...(Sebenarnya dia cuak jugak tu! Hehehe!)

wanshana said...

Jah,

Men ni, lagi lentok, lagi dia syok! Tapi kalau bini yang nak melentok and kedip-kedip mata dengan depa, depa kata buang tabiat lah pulak! Tak paham betul. Memang dasar!

I read an article the other week about isteri-isteri Al-Arqam yang set up an association untuk menyenangkan lelaki berpoligami. They all yang akan carikan calon. I geleng kepala ajer lah...

Some people.

wanshana said...

Salams Peah,

Satu cadangan yang bagus :)

Tapi, I ni ada masalah sikit lah. I pernah experienced ternampak si Mamat ni dengan satu pompuan. And my first reaction was, "Alamak! I hope he didn't see me!" and then I was trying very hard not to be seen by him. I yang tak senang duduk masa tu, facing the other way.

Last-last tak boleh nak dielakkan, and kena jugak lalu tepi they all, and he tegur me and introduced the lady as his "architect". I really don't know if he was telling the truth or not, but, I tell you - it was sooooo awkward, okay?! Especially when I asked him to kirim salam to his wife, etc. Lepas dah suruh kirim salam tu, I pulak yang rasa macam how I wished the earth would open up and swallow me. Boleh?!

I think, if I ever am in the same situation again, I will just do as you suggest. We wives should unite! YES!!!

Thanks, Peah :)

edelweiss said...

heheheh tumpang lalu kak shana...tapi i suka statement Mrs. Nordin - I meluat tahap maksimum tengok gambar nikah depa...!

setujuuuu sangat . awat yang tergedikkkkkkk tuh? seronoklah dah porak perandakan masjid org...bina masjid sendiri....

MA said...

Hmm..interesting topic.

I know of a family, the elderly father and mother are epitome of how a longlasting marriage would be. You can see genuine love and affection in their eyes and they raised their children to be good people.


Then one day, the father had a heart attack and died.


The problem was - he died while at his second wife's home. The family never knew he had a second family after all the years.


Imagine the trauma. First hearing your husband had died. Second to know that you have been sharing your husband with a secret "honey" all the years.

wanshana said...

Edelweiss,

Hehehe... I pun sekarang ni, kalau ada cerita about them, I malas nak baca.

wanshana said...

MA,

Oh my...I just can't imagine how the wife and the children felt when they knew about it AFTER his death... The wife especially, sure sampai akhir hayat dia cannot get closure. My heart goes out to her.

But, in a way, the fact that she could not hidu anything, may have meant tak she did not terasa kasih the husband dah berkurang even sedikit pun for her, and that arwah her husband had made her bahagia sampai his akhir hayat. It could mean that he was indeed adil and loving to both his wives. Wallahua'lam...

And that's scary, maaaannn...

Anonymous said...

Dearests. Kita mesti unite. Kalau bersatu, Insyallah boleh tolong-menolong. Buat apa nak malu. Bukan kita buat salah. Kalau 'kepoh' ni dah jadi budaya and/or habit, Insyallah banyak yang 'terselamat'. Yang biasa terjadi bila dah pecah-belah, cerai-berai baru ada yang mengaku memang dah lama tau katanya. Buat apa? Nasi dah menjadi bubur. Satu lagi. Revise taklik tu. Tulis sendiri. Mungkin dah terlambat untuk kita-kita yang dah kahwin ni tapi masih tak terlambat untuk anak-anak kita. Tulis semua hak kita yang macam Allah beri. Lelaki ni dan 'pompuan tak rasmi' tu selalunya tamak harta. Kalau kita dah siap-siap letak berapa bahagian kita dan hak anak-anak dari harta lelaki tu yang lelaki tu akan hilang kalau buat yang tak sepatutnya, sure fikir banyak kali. 'Pompuan tak rasmi' tu pun sure tak nak mulakan hidup macam kita mulakan hidup dgn lelaki tu dulu. Yang dia nak cuma 'hasil yang dah terkumpul'. Kalau lelaki tu tau yang dia akan hilang kebanyakan 'hasil yang telah terkumpul' tu, rasa dia fikir banyak kali tak? Tak payah minta lebih-lebih. Tuntut dalam taklik yang hak kita dan anak-anak saja. Itu dah majoriti dari apa yang dia ada. Allah dah beri izin. Kita gunalah. Aqal mesti 'berjalan'. Contoh taklik yang I pernah tengok, antaranya 50% harta sepencarian isteri punya. Hak anak-anak lain. Apa-apa yang dah dibeli untuk isteri dan anak-anak, contoh rumah, kereta, tanah, saham, etc... semua jadi hak isteri dan anak-anak (tak ke botak?). Allah dah kata, apa yang dah beri pada keluarga tak boleh ambil balik. Dah tu kalau lelaki tu gol nanti, semua harta yang dia dapat semasa degn isteri pertama, isteri kedua atau seterusnya tak ada hak. Harta baru isteri pertama pun ada hak. Maknanya tak boleh nak bawa 'perempuan tak rasmi' tu duduk rumah kita yang ada ni. Pergilah kau sewa rumah setinggan kalau tak mampu. Kalau sebelum ada 'pompuan tak rasmi' tu, belanja sekeluarga RM 10k sebulan dan meningkat setiap tahun ikut inflasi misalnya, tak boleh nak reduce. Kalau kena reduce maknanya tak mampu. Tak mampu maknanya tak pas. Tak pas maknanya boleh belah lah 'pompuan tak rasmi' tu. Bukan senang beb nak tambah cawangan. Cuma manusia yang mudahkan. Sebab tu laknat Allah mencurah-curah.

Peah

bella said...

Kak, I left it until today to post a comment sebab, mmg sgt marah yg meluap2 pada ustaz rebonding ni. Sampai hati buat kat bini dia baru je pegi court dah nikah the week after, maknanya baju dah tempah masa pegi court tulah kan. pastu ambik gambar macam lah tak boleh nak jaga hati org lain. walau dah ex, tetap bini dan ibu pada anak2 dia kan...iskkk...mintak simpang la ye, hopefully tak jadi pada kita...my only doa is, to have him to myself sampai i grow old...

Anonymous said...

Saya tergerak nak komen topic hangat ni. Satu hari tu suami saya cerita kawan dia kerja maintenance kat highway. So setiap malam ada ronda-ronda lebuh raya if anything happen. Ada satu malam, ternampak satu lembaga ditengah2 midle lane. Ingatkan hantu, tapi bila sampai dekat, rupa2 nya perempuan muda, bergetah dalam keadaan bogel. Terus di ambil dan dibawa ke balai polis. Siasat punya siasat, the perempuan is the MISTRESS of someone. Telah dikidnap oleh wife dan rakan2 suami, dibogelkan dan ticampak ke highway.

So, amacam? Sendiri mau ingat dan lu pikirlah sendiri.

Anonymous said...

shana dear,

lama betul teman tak jengok blog you ni ...

What you write, making sense, though I think sometimes things just happen. Those things, good or bad, tempting or otherwise, are mere tests from the Almighty.

Apapun, hati kena selalu tenang, jangan ada benci, jangan ada malice, jangan tipu-tipu. Sebab, nak cover tipu yg mula2 kena tipu lagi, dan lagi. Tipu2 for a man (man like many of us, normal man) is a big NO NO.

As a man, a husband, a father of four, son of my parents:-

Lelaki ini, bukan seringkas dan semudah yang disangka wanita. A day when a woman would think that she could easily summarize her man, that would be day that she will get it all wrong, all together. The day that a woman thot that she knew her man, would be the day that he could be a total stranger.

Give him space. Lots of space. He’ll come back, soon enough.

Be good. Surely, good will come back. If not in this mortal world, very surely in the hereafter.

For, whatever it is, he’s worth it. Worth the heartbreak, worth the tears (if any). Worth to fight for. Worth to ‘maintain’ ourselves, or at least try (show some effort) to age slowly and gracefully.

Thinking that whatever that we have done so far is ENOUGH, would be the day that the man would say, thanks, but that’s not what I really want.

Problem is, man do not really speak out what they really want (yeah, they could be that difficult). Women suppose to decipher the wants, the needs of their man. You all have to. Wise women did that. Ask your moms. Ask his mom.

Your priorities (sure, they are very important) are not an assurance to his submission.

Jom kita makan kat kantin UM, I bawak Jay sekali.

-yk-

IBU said...

I memang ketinggalan ferry betul la lately nih.

Tergelak baca comment Mr Engineer...nak buat cam mana kan AMT ni semua? sepesen jer...

Senang cerita kan, hubby2 ni...jgn bagi depa lebih2 sangat kumpul duit lebih. Ada duit lebih jer, mari kita perabih kan - untuk family la. HAHAHAHA!!!!

wanshana said...

Dear Peah,

Yes, a lot of people don't know that we have the rights to come up with our own lafaz Taklik, and would normally just opt for the simple normal ones provided by the Jabatan Agama. Women should be educated on all these matters early on. I don't think kat sekolah agama in Bab Munaqahah ada diajar all these things. I think it should be taught.

And I also agree with you. Unless and until a husband can afford to tanggung ALL costs anak bini WITHOUT his bini keluarkan satu sen pun of HER pay for the household expenses and his wife's personal expenses, (and it should also take into account of inflation segala), jangan nak fikir kawin lain...

wanshana said...

Bella,

I know what you mean...Memang dah bagus punya planning dari awal lah tu... One can't be more insensitive and inconsiderate than those two.

Yes, kita semua berdo'a for kebahagiaan with our hubbies sampai akhir hayat, insya Allah. Amin.

wanshana said...

Salams Yeop,

Yup, it has been a long time indeed :) I pun dah lama tak check your blog. But, I do hop by your FB and also Jay's every now and then.

I guess both husbands and wife sometimes do not really say what they really want in a relationship. The difference is, the wives would normally persevere and stay patient through the years and stay true to the husbands. But, the husbands tend to pasang cawangan, konon because they're not happy with their wives. See?

Maybe, that's just one of the excuses that a man has as a back-up. That's why they don't say what they want or what they like to the wives, just in case bila teringin nak kawin lain they can't find a valid excuse to do so, except for this "back-up" excuse? Just my two sen.

I guess, MAYBE, somewhere along the line both hubbies and wives may have the tendencies to sway from the marriage, and it is a test from The Almighty of their love to each other. But, sadly to say, more often than not, the rate of failure is much higher in the husbands' group because they tend to deal with and "answer" the test using the wrong "heads".

Yes, let's have lunch after Puasa nanti kat UM. On me :) What days does Jay have her classes?

wanshana said...

Dear Anonymous at 3:55pm.

Thanks for sharing this.

Yes, I've heard of similar stories jugak - on how the wives would humiliate the mistresses in all kinds of ways. And of course, ada wives yang would resort to 'disposing' of the threats permanently...Nauzubillah.

That's a scary thought...But, something which all potential gediks should keep in mind.

wanshana said...

Ibu,

Tak aper...Ferry service kat sini non-stop. You can hop on any ferries you want. Hehehe!

I SO AGREE WITH YOU! Errrr, What did you think I have been doing all this while, kalau bukan mamaksimakan spending of tuan doktor's money? HAHAHAHA!!

Tapi, nasib baik lah jugak kita ni bukan lah ultimate "What is yours is mine. And what is mine, is mine"?, kan? If not lagi cepatlah beruban/botak they all :)

Take care, you :)

Superwomanwannabe said...

Waduh hai Madam profesor!! bagus !!

I rasa..tak impossible for some one to be tergoda, terjatuh cinta, ter apa apa lagi lah..walaupun dah kawin , beranak satu gerabak , perut gendut etc.....I just wish if it ever happens to my loved ones Or ME (eh hot lagi apa...heheheh) we would have the strength to say - SORRY but I cant risk losing what I have....

And apa yang shok sebab baru..akan jadik tua dan boring gak.....

Tapi kan I rasa if orang suka kat kita zaman dah season nih...the feeling tu ...MEMANG eronok macam beruk kakakakakaka !!!

wanshana said...

Shila,

You ni so kelakar lah :) But, I guess you're right - kalau ada yang syok kat kita at this age, that would be quite flattering. Just that we need to control our feelings, and fikir sendiri lah the consequences.

Like you, there's so much at stake should such thing happens, and I for one is not a gambler...

And I agree with you. Those yang dok mencari yang baru, will eventually find yang baru tu dah jadi buruk/lama, and they'll start finding new babes lagi...And that's what I meant by what goes round comes around.