Mommy (14th November, 1939 - 29th June, 2014)

My last posting was dated 20th September, 2013.

That was about 1 year and 8 months ago.

And I feel that I must write on the most significant event in my life which happened during the long hiatus, before I go on writing on my usual ramblings.

You see, my Mom lost her battle against Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma Cancer just before 2:00 pm on the afternoon of 29th June 2014 - the 1st day of Ramadhan last year.

We knew Mom did not have long to live, but, we did not expect her to leave us on that day. The night before, I fell asleep sitting beside her, my head resting beside hers on her pillow, my hand holding her hand. And when it was time to leave, Tuan Doktor woke me up, and in my daze, I kissed her forehead lightly as I did not want to wake her up. She slept through it all.

I had replayed that moment over and over again in my head, wishing that I had woken her up then and wished her a proper salaam and good night and given her a proper hug, than just planting a slight kiss on her forehead. That could have been the last moment that I spent with her being fully conscious of my presence in her room with her. A moment which was not meant to be.

The next day, we received a phone call from my brother-in-law at 12:30 pm, asking us to leave everything and hurry to Keramat as Mommy's condition had suddenly deteriorated. As Tuan Doktor was attending to an emergency at the hospital, we could only leave just after 1:00 pm and reached my sister's house around 1:30 pm.

Everything happened so fast, but, Alhamdulillah, Abah, all her children and grandchildren (save for a couple) were there with her right until the end. She passed away peacefully just before 2:00 pm, surrounded by her family.

Even though she had pesan that she wanted her burial to be done as fast and as expediently as possible, with it being the 1st day of Ramadhan and all, we could only arrange for her pengkebumian to be carried out the next day.  Alhamdulillah, segala urusan dipermudahkan and jenazah Mommy dikebumikan just before noon.

I was in a daze for most of the time in the few days that followed. It was surreal, and everything felt like it was a dream. In fact, the few months that followed saw me sometimes reaching out for the phone to call her to ask for recipes and cooking tips only to realize that she was no longer there for me.

How I wished I had spent more time with her, called her more often, spent more on her, hugged her more often, and looked into her eyes more, held her hands longer, smelled her hair every time I saw her, kissed her hands, and told her just how much I loved her at every possible opportunity I had when she was alive.

I had pondered on so many of the "If only's", but, Allah lebih sayangkan Mommy.

I miss you so, very much, Mommy.

Semoga Allah ampunkan segala dosa-dosa Mommy, dan kumpulkan roh Mommy bersama golongan yang berimaan dan dikasihiNya. Semoga dilapangkan serta diterangkan kubur Mommy, dan dijauhi dari siksaan kubur dan api neraka, dan semoga Allah tempatkan roh Mommy di taman syurga firdausyNya. Aamiin.

Al-Fatihah untuk Allahyarhamah A'sah @ Halimah Haji Ismail.