Letting go...now?

Life had been pretty hectic the past couple of weeks - what with Ayah's Larian Kardio, Hanna's UPSR exam and organizing Hilman's 7th birthday party which went very well indeed last Sunday 9th September - which also marked our 13th Wedding Anniversary.

Reminiscing the years we have been married, I looked at K.Long Hanna who was born slightly over a year after Ayah and I got married and I see just how much she has grown - not just physically, but also in the way she thinks. So many times, friends and families had to ask us twice (sometimes thrice!), just to make sure that they had heard us right when we told them that Hanna is only 11 years old. Most would just gawk at her and said, "My God...I thought she was in Form 3 or 4!", and Hanna would just smile at them (sometimes I'm not sure whether she likes it or hates it when people mistake her for a 15, 16 year-old!)

Hanna is a very sanguine, happy-go-lucky child, and she is very independent. But, of course, being an 11-year old, most of the times she behaves like an 11-year old - which sometimes get on my nerves because looking at her, physically I expect her to behave like a 16-year old! Yes, I have to admit - sometimes I do forget her actual age... Only when she is with her girl friends from school, giggling and gossipping away, and pulling and tugging at each other like small kids, I remember that she's only 11.

The first time experience of having a child taking the government UPSR exam last week was something else. Hanna being Hanna, was so relaxed about the whole thing. She seemed prepared - the "Hanna Way". She is not the type who studies 5-8 hours a day. For her, 1 hour is enough and on the days that she has her 1 1/2 hour tuition sessions at home, the max she could go would probably be 2 1/2 hours. And when she does her revision - she would also be listening to the i-Pod, etc. It seemed to have worked for her and she had been getting good results for all her exams all these while, and I did not want to change her style of studying in the last 2-3 weeks before the exam... But, I have to admit that I had a very strong urge to ask her to do away with the i-Pod and to make her study 4-5 hours a day in the 3 weeks running to her UPSR. But, I finally decided against it when I thought that it would better for her to maintain her studying pattern, and not disrupt her studying rhythm (and I pray to Allah swt that I was doing the right thing!).

It is just so difficult when it is your first time experience having a child taking a big exam...You want to do the right thing, you want your child to do the right thing, but, you don't really know if what both of you are doing is the right thing! You get what I mean? You don't really know how exactly she needs to prepare herself, to be 100% ready for the exam. And you can't be asking her to do things your way, fearing it would not work for her! So, how? Answer - I prayed (and pray) hard...

Everyday after her papers, I would fetch her from school and ask her how they were, and she would say, "Ok!", and started to switch on the radio and sing along to whatever tune on air. And I would ask again, "Was it more difficult than your normal exam papers?", and she would either say, "No lah...quite easy", or "Quite difficult, but I think I can get an 'A'", or just a one word - "Alright!", while doing a "mini head-banging" to whatever songs on the radio at that time. And I had to refrain myself from asking her more about her papers, fearing that I would stress her out when she was evidently "stress-free" at that point in time! So, at the end of the day, I was more stressed out than her! Aaaaiiihhhh....

Hanna has had a pretty full schedule after her UPSR - a sleep-over at her friend's place, going skating, going bowling, etc. with her friends, and she's in Genting Highlands today on a school trip. Sometimes I feel reluctant to let her go on outings with friends (even though I know that there would be parents or teachers with them all the time). But, at the same time, I know that I should and could trust her....

I know that I should start letting her go bit by bit from now on, especially when I know that, if given the rezqi, insya Allah, she might get the chance to go to a boarding school next year. Knowing Hanna, I know she will be okay, and insya Allah she will do well with her "Hanna Way" in a boarding school. But, the real question now is - will I be okay with her not being at home with me?