Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Letting go...now?


Life had been pretty hectic the past couple of weeks - what with Ayah's Larian Kardio, Hanna's UPSR exam and organizing Hilman's 7th birthday party which went very well indeed last Sunday 9th September - which also marked our 13th Wedding Anniversary.

Reminiscing the years we have been married, I looked at K.Long Hanna who was born slightly over a year after Ayah and I got married and I see just how much she has grown - not just physically, but also in the way she thinks. So many times, friends and families had to ask us twice (sometimes thrice!), just to make sure that they had heard us right when we told them that Hanna is only 11 years old. Most would just gawk at her and said, "My God...I thought she was in Form 3 or 4!", and Hanna would just smile at them (sometimes I'm not sure whether she likes it or hates it when people mistake her for a 15, 16 year-old!)

Hanna is a very sanguine, happy-go-lucky child, and she is very independent. But, of course, being an 11-year old, most of the times she behaves like an 11-year old - which sometimes get on my nerves because looking at her, physically I expect her to behave like a 16-year old! Yes, I have to admit - sometimes I do forget her actual age... Only when she is with her girl friends from school, giggling and gossipping away, and pulling and tugging at each other like small kids, I remember that she's only 11.

The first time experience of having a child taking the government UPSR exam last week was something else. Hanna being Hanna, was so relaxed about the whole thing. She seemed prepared - the "Hanna Way". She is not the type who studies 5-8 hours a day. For her, 1 hour is enough and on the days that she has her 1 1/2 hour tuition sessions at home, the max she could go would probably be 2 1/2 hours. And when she does her revision - she would also be listening to the i-Pod, etc. It seemed to have worked for her and she had been getting good results for all her exams all these while, and I did not want to change her style of studying in the last 2-3 weeks before the exam... But, I have to admit that I had a very strong urge to ask her to do away with the i-Pod and to make her study 4-5 hours a day in the 3 weeks running to her UPSR. But, I finally decided against it when I thought that it would better for her to maintain her studying pattern, and not disrupt her studying rhythm (and I pray to Allah swt that I was doing the right thing!).

It is just so difficult when it is your first time experience having a child taking a big exam...You want to do the right thing, you want your child to do the right thing, but, you don't really know if what both of you are doing is the right thing! You get what I mean? You don't really know how exactly she needs to prepare herself, to be 100% ready for the exam. And you can't be asking her to do things your way, fearing it would not work for her! So, how? Answer - I prayed (and pray) hard...

Everyday after her papers, I would fetch her from school and ask her how they were, and she would say, "Ok!", and started to switch on the radio and sing along to whatever tune on air. And I would ask again, "Was it more difficult than your normal exam papers?", and she would either say, "No lah...quite easy", or "Quite difficult, but I think I can get an 'A'", or just a one word - "Alright!", while doing a "mini head-banging" to whatever songs on the radio at that time. And I had to refrain myself from asking her more about her papers, fearing that I would stress her out when she was evidently "stress-free" at that point in time! So, at the end of the day, I was more stressed out than her! Aaaaiiihhhh....

Hanna has had a pretty full schedule after her UPSR - a sleep-over at her friend's place, going skating, going bowling, etc. with her friends, and she's in Genting Highlands today on a school trip. Sometimes I feel reluctant to let her go on outings with friends (even though I know that there would be parents or teachers with them all the time). But, at the same time, I know that I should and could trust her....

I know that I should start letting her go bit by bit from now on, especially when I know that, if given the rezqi, insya Allah, she might get the chance to go to a boarding school next year. Knowing Hanna, I know she will be okay, and insya Allah she will do well with her "Hanna Way" in a boarding school. But, the real question now is - will I be okay with her not being at home with me?

22 comments:

me said...

assalammualaikum ...

dear mummy hanna ...

i know what you mean coz i pun everytime jumpa hanna macam what?! she is sooo grown up! the first time i jumpa dia was kat rumah lin but you were not there coz you went to get the keys to your flat ... she still have her cute chubby face and bobbed hair and very the shy shy (hehehe - sorry hanna!) and now and then bila balik jumpa dia it's like seeing a different hanna everytime :)

of course you'll feel this way ... it's only natural ... perhaps these are the feelings our moms had to go through but never really show it when we were at that age - secretly missing their kids :)

letting go is hard but i am sure you will know when the time comes ...

enjoy your time with her and tell her is she gets all 'A's she has to belanja us A&W yeaaa ... hehehe ...

take care ...

*terharu ni baca your entry ni ... nasib baik kat rumah!*

Ayah said...

Can't agree with you more, dear. Looking at Hanna now and thinking how she was 10-11 years ago. Our lives actually completely changed when we got Hanna, as everything...absolutely everything revolved around her. No more movies..hanging out with friends..late night coffee, and so on. And if I may say so...she was so cute then! Hanna, you were so.. so...err..pink and fair!Hehehe... Yes, Hanna..you were so cute (don't know what has happened to you since!).

And now she's 11+...and turning 18 soon! At times she's just a normal 11+ yo kid but at other times she makes us feel that we have a grown-up daughter..no more the little angel! Hmmm...imagine if you have an 11+ yo daughter who is taller than your wife and has 2 feet which are longer than yours!!! I wear size 8 shoes, btw.

Well, Hanna..just to let you know how proud we are to have you in our lives (I can hear you saying "Eeeeuuuuwwwww, Ayah...so sentimental!!!"). You have a bright future ahead of you..and the the world is in your hands...AND you are going to boarding school next year!!! ;p

Ayah

WANSHANA said...

Dear me,

Waa'laikumussalam...

Tu lah...Sobs.. :(

Everytime I look at her baby pictures, I would be teary-eyed...

Will tell her about the A&W thingy.Just make sure you guys come back home soon!

Take care.

MAMAMIA said...

At least U allow Hanna to go on school's outings. Anak I si Farah yg dah Form 1 tu, my hubby still say "No" to all outings.

WANSHANA said...

Dear Ayah,

I know...writing this entry brings back a lot of memories of us being first time mom and dad nearly 12 years ago.

We were so rigid and did everything by the book! Even her mealtimes had to be on the dot - not a minute more, not a minute less.

And I still remember insisting that she finish the whole 8oz of milk because the instruction on the tin stated that for 8 month- old babies, it should be 8oz every 4 hours or so! And I would change her diapers every 2 hours when they were not even soiled!

But, when we had Hasya and Hilman -we sometimes forgot that it was time for their milk...and diaper-changing depends on how heavy their diapers had become after a few "small businesses"! Hahaha!

But, all three turn out okay what?!!!

WANSHANA said...

Mamamia,

I do allow Hanna to go for school outings, etc., but, I would be checking my watch every 5 minutes or so, waiting for her to call or come back home! Memang tak jadi kerje satu hari...

Keanorlinsya said...

Aunty Shana,
thanks for dropping by at my blog.

I understand that you may be a little 'overprotective' towards hanna, she is your daughter after all. And an eager, young girl.
At least i am when i was her age.

Tapikan, consider hanna lucky, her parents gives permision to go out with friends. I myself, never had that privilage until after my PMR.
Itupun berhantar berjemput. That was my first AND last time, until after my SPM.

Even now, my dad still think im too young. But i think he's learning to let go, letting me be a little independent. Parents will always be parents. You just have to live with dad.

Regards.

NURAINA A SAMAD said...

wanshana,

oh... i know the feeling.
Hanna is a lucky gal, she is!

anyway, wishing you, ayah and everyone in you family and happy and blessed Ramadhan!

Keanorlinsya said...

allah grammar and vocab huru-hara!
waaahhhh malunye!
tulis ikut bunyi mulut..hihihihi
pardon me.
panas muka.

Spena said...

Sist! Firstly, you two look like sisters!(compliment for you..hehehe) Come on, mama dia kan was from STF, and turn out to be excellent. She will be too.
She's one lucky kid. All the best to her!

WANSHANA said...

Dear Kea,

I guess every parent has his/her own way of dealing with the empty nest syndrom. Some can let go of their children and let them be independent early in life, while some may never be able to "cut off the umbilical chord" even when their children have families of their own. Whatever it is, it shows that we parents love our kids very, very much.

I am pretty strict with Hanna (as is her Ayah, too), but at the same time I try to be her friend, hoping that I will be the first person she will come to when she's feeling down about anything at all.

It is a tricky business - this parenting thing...

Take care, dear.

WANSHANA said...

Dear K.Ena,

Sometimes we don't know if we're doing the right thing for our children kan, K.Ena?

This boarding school thing ni pun, I'm 50-50 about it. I'm a boarding school product and personally I had the best time growing up with my friends who are like sisters to me now - and the truth be told, I'm not sure if the boarding school environment is still the same as it was 20-25 years ago...(alamak has it been THAT long since I left STF?!!!)

There are so many things to weigh in deciding whether at the end of the day Ayah and I should let her go to a boarding school. One criteria - must NOT be more than half an hour drive from home...

Take care, K.Ena... and Selamat Berpuasa to you and family, too.

WANSHANA said...

Dear Spena,

Thank you...but, errr...I don't think Hanna appreciates it if people say we look like sisters! Hahaha!

Funny you mentioned that, coz' one of her friends' parents made a remark a month ago that Hanna and her Ayah also looked like brother and sister!!! Tension member... :D

Insya Allah she'll be okay, if ada rezqi dapat offer to go to boarding school. Kalau dapat STF, she'll be a good candidate for your basketball team - but, STF jauh sangat lah Spena...:(

Take care, dear.

hanna said...

Dear Mommy,

GAHH, Ayah is so sentimental!
Btw, what's sentimental anyway?
:DDDD
Hmm..
U N ME DO NOT LOOK LIKE SISTERS!
I feel so old -_-"
Tappe2 (:
Well, I dunno what else to say..
So I guess I can stop now? xD
Lol, kkay.

Lots of love,
Your favourite first daughter,
Hanna Suhaila Haizal.

WANSHANA said...

My dear Hanna,

"Sentimental" means....well, you know what my next sentence will be right? - "GO AND CHECK THE DICTIONARY!!!" :D

...and I feel SO young...Hahahaha!

Lots and lots of love,

Your favourite (one and only) Mommy

Ibu said...

OH Hanna ..... m favourite Aunt Shana first daughter! hahaha .... I recalled chitchatting with 'MT' on Hilman's bday when Hanna passed by and I could not help but comment, hey y'all... tengoklah Hanna... tinggi melampai! Boleh jadi model!

Alamak...what a contrast to my abang idin yg tak besar-besar tu.

But study style wise, cam tu jugaklah. Very plaful. In fact - I have not seen him holding a book to study pun? Aisey... reminds me of his Ibu yg x rajin study tuh. Ohhh! habih lah anak aku!

WANSHANA said...

Ibu,

Errr...model? Olay? Silky Girl? Clean & Clear? Pantene? (NOT?!) Hehehe!

It's still early days for Abang Iddin. Give him another 3-4 years - kot-kot boleh jadi model Salem High Country with Hanna. ;-D

Hmmm, dulu Ibu tak rajin study pun, turn out alright what...dapat jugak kerja kat Pasar Besar T*SC*!Hahaha! So,kalau ikut our performance in school dulu, and where we are now - harapan masih ada dan masa hadapan amat cerah untuk anak-anak kita, insya Allah. Amin... :D

MINAH CELOTEH said...

*sigh*

reading this makes me tink...what if my kids dah grown up

With my daughter in Pri 2, I keep on reminding myself not to stress her out wen the exams comes round. But its not easy lah...macam mana pun mesti takleh rileks hakhakhak

Nxt yr the boy pulak Pri 1...semakin bertambah lah tak rileks fuyoh

WANSHANA said...

Dear Minah Celoteh,

I know...I know...

Mothers will always be mothers - anak-anak dah beranak-pinak pun we still worry about them, I guess.

It's a long and winding road ahead, my dear. Ini anak-anak kita baru primary school...Belum lagi masuk secondary, college, uni, etc., and belum lagi masuk bab-bab berboyfriend, bergirlfriend!

All the best to us... *sigh*

Dad of Four said...

Mm...weve decided that none of our kids will go to boarding school....Well that might change....we don't know?

Helena said...

I guess yr entry would be very similar to mine at the same time last yr. That was when my eldest Mia took her UPSR.

Yup, tension gile bila anak 1st ambik 1st real exam. But i heard that the 2nd time round wont be as difficult, for us moms i mean... hehe.

I can still remember checking the Maths paper with a calculator with my hands trembling throughout.... OMG, the pressure was humongous!

Reading yr n3 really make me go down the memory lane, although it was not that far away.... hehe... with the letting go, decision on boarding schools... etc

WANSHANA said...

Dad of Four,

It is a difficult decision - but having weighed all the pros and cons of going to boarding school and going to daily school in KL ni, we feel that she would be better off at the former (and we hope we're right...)

---------------------------------

Helena,

I think it's more difficult if our first one is a daughter, I guess? Somehow as mothers, we feel a strong(er) bond to them, than if they're boys kot?

I spent some time trying to find your entry on your similar predicaments last year, but somehow I couldn't find it. Will keep on trying.

But from your entries I've read so far, I think Mia is doing very well. Good on her!

Take care.