23 years on...

I don’t think any of my family members (or even Ayah’s, for that matter) knew the exact story behind how Ayah and I first got to know each other - which is rather strange, since I’m pretty sure that all of our closest friends are ever so familiar with our “love story” – a love story fit to be an epic Hindustani movie, somebody once remarked! ( I don’t know about that!!) A story which (fortunately!) I will not go into here because it would be like “Hikayat 1001 Malam”!

Suffice to say that it was on this day 23 years ago that I first got to know Ayah. It was on this day 23 years ago that I received the first of the hundreds of letters Ayah would be writing to me over the years. It was on this day 23 years ago that I received Ayah’s letter written to me (and as fate has it) through a mistaken identity! ( I don’t think I have ever thanked Y and her sister enough for unintentionally orchestrating that mistaken identity! Thank you guys…for then, and even more so – for what it is now). It was on this day 23 years ago a friendship between a boy in KK and a girl in JB blossomed - a friendship which evolved into love, trust and eventually, syukur alhamdulillah, a blissful marriage.

23 years ago today, when I received Ayah’s FIRST letter, never did I imagine that I would end up marrying him. Call it strange, or even ridiculous, but going into his FIFTH or SIXTH letter that he wrote to me, even though the content was far from being amorous then, I somehow knew that HE was the one for me…I just could not explain it…I just knew.

Ayah would number ALL the letters and messages that he wrote to me, and they went into the hundreds as the ritual continued after we left high school - throughout “KPP”, “A” Levels, University days and beyond! I can still remember our ever faithful friends who became our “Royal Mail personnel”, especially in KPP. They would bring messages to and fro, between Ayah and me, be it day or night! These friends have stood by us through thick and thin and we have been the staunchest of friends even until today. To them I also would like to say, “Thank you, guys!!!” (You know who you are!).

Ayah and I got married 10 years, 4 months and 15 days AFTER that FIRST letter, and even after I have become his lawfully wedded wife, Ayah would still write letters to me whenever we were apart….and yes, he would still number them.

Somehow over the years, throughout the hustle and bustle of family life and work commitments, the letters became scarce…They became few, and far between….and eventually, whenever we would be apart from each other, our love-line would only be the phone calls and the e-mails. And IF Ayah were to have his way and continued to number them, these would also go into the hundreds or even thousands, I’m sure!

I’d love to think that being such a romantic that he is, amongst all of the sweetest things that Ayah has ever done, the numbering of his love letters to me would always be the one that I would always cherish and remember fondly. Just thinking about it brings goose bumps all over me…Just thinking about it makes me feel like a 16 year old again!

I used to think that I could not survive the day, and that I could not live without those numbered love letters from him. While waiting for his next letter to come, I would read, and read, and read all his letters, over and over again – chronologically!

BUT, that was then. This is now.

23 years on, today I want him to know that I can now live without his numbered love letters so, so easily…

For I have come to realize that I did not marry him because of the numbered love letters…I married him because of HIM…the whole of his being…

It is true of the saying that you don’t marry someone you can live with. You marry the person whom you cannot live without…

And I married him, 10 years 4 months and 15 days after that FIRST letter which I received 23 years ago today, because I could not, and cannot live without HIM, without the whole of his being…

So, today - 23 years on, I would like to say these to my dearest hubby –

Thank you for the best years of my life…Thank you for being you…Thank you for letting me be me…Thank you for the good times – for they made our love strong…Thank you for the bad times – for they made us stronger…

HAPPY 23rd ANNIVERSARY, my darling Ayah…

Wassalam…


….To those who are looking for love out there, wherever you are…Just believe. Love will overwhelm you with a whole myriad of emotions. And IF your love is fated to last, then it will last….And when you find love, be thankful that you have that privilege of basking in the glory of the most glorious love…because all love are the most glorious love…even if it doesn't last... Just treasure the moments...

The gifts of children...

I just called home an hour ago, and spoke to the kids (Ayah was still at work at 10:00pm!).

Anyway, just some snippets of our conversation -

Hilman

Me : Hello sayang!!

Hilman : Hello Mommy...

Me : How are you? What were you doing when I called?

Hilman : Fine...Emmm...I'm making aeroplanes!

Me : Making aeroplanes? You mean paper aeroplanes?

Hilman : Uh-uh...I found my aeroplane book!

(FYI, that book has been MIA for so long that I thought Hilman had forgotten all about it! Title - How to make aeroplanes that can REALLY fly. I have tried making a few, and YES! They REALLY can fly!)

Me : Wow!!! So, which one are you making now?

Hilman : Err...it's the Rod?Reb?Rofert? Errr, I forgot!!! Mommy, wait okay? I go and check first!

He was gone for about 10 seconds, then -

Hilman : Mommy, it's called the Radford.

Me : Sorry? Can you spell it out for me, please? I didn't quite hear that!

Hilman : It's R-A-D-F-O-R-D. It's Radford.

Me : Oh, okay - make sure you make a few, okay. Make nice aeroplanes for me, okay? Mommy want to see them in June nanti!

Hilman : Okay, Mommy...Hilman make 3 different aeroplanes for you...Bye...

Hanna

Me : Hello dear! How are you?

Hanna : Hello Mommy. I'm fine... Starting to feel sleepy now.

Me : Hmmm....Ayah told me that you called him this afternoon, asking whether you could go to Aqilah's apartment for a swim? Hmmmm....What made you think that he would say 'Yes'?

Hanna : I don't know, I thought my punishment was that I could not go to my friends' birthday parties only. I thought I could still go to their house for a visit.

FYI - Hanna has been 'grounded' by Ayah because she went online and chatted with her friends last weekend when Ayah SPECIFICALLY told her that she could only do so AFTER she finished her KT Project. Needless to say, being an 11-year old girl who only gets the chance to go online on Sundays, she defied the Big Boss - who caught her three times (and warned her three times!) And yes, you guessed it - she still went online for the fourth time!

The outcome of it all - Ayah turned the computer off WITHOUT saving whatever work she had done at that point, which explains why a day after that, for the love of his anak pompuan sulong yang sorang ni, and (of course) so that she would not fail her KT, Ayah brought her back to our SD home after he finished work at 10:oopm on Monday night, just so that she could finish the project. There's no internet connections and colour printer at Mak's house. Suffice to say, this ended up with both of them not sleeping until 5:30a.m on Tuesday!

But, (of course) the punishment still stands - ONE full-package punishment : no internet, no handphones, no birthday parties, no going to friends' house, and there is also a significant cut in her daily school allowances, at least until Mommy gets home in June!

Yep - when Big Boss gets angry, he REALLY gets angry. No mercy. Nope. Zilch!

Me : No, Hanna...It's the full package this time! But, Ayah asked Mommy just now to tell you that he's willing to let go of ONE of the punishments, IF you do well in your Mid-Year exams - i.e. if you get the Top Three in your class... (I'm always the mediator to negotiate stuff between Ayah and the kids, by the way)

Hanna : Haaaaa?!! Top Three, Mommy? Top Five tak boleh ke?!!

Me : NOPE! Top Three!

Hanna : Alah Mommy...Michelle and Thivia memang la Hanna cannot beat! And Rashdan, too!!

Me : Well Hanna, if you say that even before you try, then forever you cannot beat them. It depends on how much you want Ayah to let go of that ONE punishment...

Hanna : I know...

Me : So, if Ayah asks you to choose, which punishment would you want him to forego?

Hanna : Between having my phone back and going to my friends' birthday parties, I guess?

Me : Hmmm... By the look of things, I don't think Ayah will let you have your phone back until June, dear...

Hanna : I know...

Mommy : So, what do you need to do now?

Hanna : Try my best to be the Top Three, I guess....(dengan suara yang sungguh trajis...)

Hasya

Me : Hello darling! How are you?

Hasya : Hello Mommy, I'm fine thank you!

Me : Hasya dah makan?

Hasya : Dah!

Me : Let me guess - ayam goreng with nasi?!!

Hasya : (Giggling)...Yep!

Me : Hmmm....are you not bored with ayam goreng and nasi everyday, dear?

Hasya : No la Mommy...Just like Amisha (one of her gymnast friends) - she has nasi and asam pedas everyday what?!! I like ayam goreng what!!!

Me : Hmmm....okay... Hasya tengah buat apa tadi when Mommy called?

Hasya : I was just cutting papers.

Me : For your school project?

Hasya : No la...Just for fun!

Me : For fun? Errr....have you finished your homework?

Hasya : No - tomorrow no school!

Me : No school? Why?

Hasya : I don't know...No school la! Next week also - Tuesday and Wednesday no school!

Me : Why?! Cuti apa next week? (Later when I spoke to Ayah, then only I knew that tomorrow is the Hari Pertabalan of the new King, and the two days next week would be for Labour Day and Teacher's Day.)

Me : Well, even if you don't have school, you still have to do your homework, and do your revision for your Mid-Year Exam, okay?

Hasya : Okay Mommy...but tonight I'm just cutting all these coloured papers so that I can make a poster and paste on it 'Welcome Home Mommy', so that I can give it to you in June!

Me - TERKEDU...

So, come June I will have three special gifts waiting for me when I arrive at KLIA - three paper aeroplanes (one of which is called a "Radford"), a 'Welcome Home' poster pasted with colourful papers, and the good news that Hanna is in the Top Three of her class, insya Allah...

But, of course - even MORE special gifts at KLIA - my three babies who made them (happen), waiting for me, and hugging and kissing and wrestling me at the Arrival Hall...

To all parents out there, wherever you are - I'm sure you would agree with me : Children and their gifts, especially the gift of love and the joy they bring into your life, in whatever form they take - they are JUST.... Well...they are...just...just...I don't know...Just too precious to be expressed in words...

Wassalam...

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em...

That's what I have been doing for the past few days!

Remember those chirping birds - the ones oblivious to the concept of conventional sleeping time (well, at least the one acceptable to us human?) - I have joined them and I'm now officially a SEMI-vampire!

What follows is my routine for the last 6 days, and I think it is working quite well (considering waktu solat during Summer time permits me to stay away from the flat for longer periods without having to come back to perform solat in between my library sessions). So, I am abandoning the previous schedule that I drew up earlier.

- I have been going to bed at 6:15 a.m for the last 5-6 days.

- only to wake up at 11:30a.m (or thereabout)

- have my shower and all by 12:30p.m

- have a BIG brunch by 1:00p.m

- solat Zohor around 1:15 p.m, and call home for kids' daily updates

- work at the library from 1:45 p.m until 7:30 p.m (but normally, by 6:00 p.m - my b*tt would start to itch big time, and I would be looking at my watch every 30 seconds....)

- back at the flat by 7:40 p.m (just in time to 'jama'' A'sar and Maghrib"...Hehehe...)

- Rilek/Dinner/Blogging/Blog-hopping/solat Isya' until 10:45 p.m

- Slog until 3:45 a.m (and in between I would be making calls to Ayah, check my e-mails, chat on YM), while the birds are chirping outside...

- Solat Suboh at 4 :00 a.m, while the birds are still chirping outside...

- Slog until 6:00 a.m, while the birds are still chirping outside...

- 6:15 a.m - HIT THE LOG! ZZZZZzzzzzzz..... (Normally by this time I would be in transition between being a zombie and a vampire, and hence, I couldn't care less if the birds are STILL chirping outside!)

So, there you have it - the daily diaries of a "SEMI-Vampire"...

So, to those out there who find it difficult to beat something, or someone...wherever you are...JUST JOIN 'EM....even though sometimes you feel like beating the life out of them...

Wassalam...

I can't sleep...

It's 5:25a.m, and I've been trying to sleep for the last 3 hours...but, I couldn't...I can't!

I can't sleep because there's too much information in my head - waiting to be translated and projected onto paper...

I can't sleep because there's so much to do, and there's so little time to do them! (Hmmm...reminds me of Kungfu Hustle - "So many gangsters...so little time..."?!!)

I can't sleep because my routine has somewhat been broken due to unforeseen (and foreseen) circumstances...

I can't sleep because I made the mistake of having my Pearl Cafe just before midnight last night...

I can't sleep because some stupid birds outside have been chirping away (non-stop!) for the past 2 hours...(Fajr is at 3:45a.m....but, aaaarrggghhh!! Can't they just wait for sunrise instead at 6:05a.m, rather than chirping away like nobody's business before suboh sepiee?!!!)

I can't sleep because I miss Ayah and the kids...

I can't sleep because I just can't...

Anybody out there who can sing me lullabyes, wherever you are....SING, PLEASE....SING!!!

Of moms and moms-in-law...

Mak (my mother-in-law) is flying back to KL tonight, and once again, I feel the emptiness in me…just as when Ayah left for KL 3 weeks ago…

I was in London from Friday (13th April) until Tuesday (17th April) to spend some time with Mak, and as much as I wanted to stay on in London, I had to come back to Newcastle as work was beckoning me…

It had been a great weekend – Mak was filling me up with all the updates on her cucus - my kids, and how they have changed in the last 3 months I have been away. She was saying how Hilman especially, has now become quite a ‘big boy’. Mak brought with her videos and pictures of the kids taken on Hasya’s birthday the other day, and I have to agree with Mak – my kids look so much grown up now! It’s amazing how 3 months could change my babies…and I just can’t wait to go home in June and hug, and smell them, and wrestle with them!

Going shopping with Mak has never failed to amaze me and it always is an experience to follow her in and out of the shops. And this time around, her shopping was mainly for her seven cucus (one full luggage weighing 22 kilograms of stuff for them!!!), and she only started shopping for herself over the last weekend. And maaannn…did she SHOP! It has been about 4 years since she last came to London, and so it was ‘balas dendam’ time for her. Hahahaha! And she truly deserved all the pampering and the shopping on herself! It has been a very demanding couple of years for her, and she really needed the break, she really needed the pampering…And I’m glad that she had a really good time while in London.

Somebody once said that you can never love your mother-in-law like you love your own mom…But, I beg to differ. I am truly blessed that I have such a wonderful and understanding mother-in-law, someone who is very generous and kind, and is always objective when it comes to dealing with her own children, or children-in-law: she is never biased. I know she loves me like her own daughter, just as I love her like I love Mommy (my own mom). Nothing more, nothing less…

Yes - they might not be of the same character. Yes - they can be so different from each other in so many ways. Yes - you have been your mom's baby ever since you were in her womb, while your mom-in-law only became part of your life after you married her son... But, that does not mean that it is not possible to love both of them the same...

Both Mak and I just could not control our tears when we said our goodbyes on Tuesday as I was leaving London for Newcastle, and when I called to speak to Mak just before she left for Heathrow just now, we both just cried our heart out…

To all daughters-in-law out there who feel that it is not possible to love your mother-in-law like you love your own mother, wherever you are, believe me – it IS possible…you might have to make extra efforts initially, but in time it will come to you naturally, insya Allah. And if ever you feel that you should not or could not love her as you love your own mom, for fear of ‘betraying’ your own mom, just think – as mothers yourselves, wouldn’t you want your own daughter to be loved and accepted by her mother-in-law as her own daughter? I know Mommy is ever so thankful to Allah SWT that I get along so well with Mak. I also know that Mommy also treats all her daughters-in-law like her own daughters…and as her daughter I don’t feel bitter about it. Why should I?

There is enough love in both Mommy’s and Mak’s hearts to go around for everyone…. And there is definitely more than enough love in my heart for BOTH of them…

Wassalam…

My 'taiko' kids...

I was just tossing and turning in bed this morning, negotiating between Mrs. M and Mrs. P whether to get out of bed, or not, when I received an SMS from Ayah. It read –

“Gd morng.. Hope u had a gud nite sleep. Jz 2 tel u how brave Man wz..didn’t even cry..n how taiko Hanna wz! ;op U better call n speak 2 them J”

I immediately remembered and knew exactly what Ayah was referring to.

First - it was “an afternoon at the dentist” for Hilman today. He needed to take one of his milk teeth out - one VERY impatient permanent tooth was already pushing its way out under that little white jewel. It is a big thing to us because it would be Hilman’s FIRST time experience of losing his milk tooth!

Secondly, both Ayah and Mommy had asked “a favour” from Hanna to confront one boy from Hasya’s class who had been taunting Hasya and a few of her friends, for the last couple of weeks. Apparently he had been using all sorts of swear words, and had been calling his classmates with all sorts of four-letter words under the sun which would have made the characters out of Quentin Tarantino’s films pulped into oblivion! The class teacher had apparently warned the boy that he would be transferred to another class if he continued with his verbal abuse, BUT that did not seem to bother him, and he was at it again barely a day after the warning!

I called Ayah who was at work and he could only tell me briefly about what happened. He was laughing away, and asked me to call and ask the kids myself, to get a more animated version of today’s events. And so I called Hanna –

Me : Hello, dear! How are you?

Hanna : I’m fine, thanks, Mommy…

Me : Ayah, told me that you went to Hasya’s classroom today?

Hanna : Yep!

Me : And?

Hanna : Well, I went to Hasya’s class right after the bell rang, went to the front and asked “Siapa sini nama dia Quentin Tarantino?” (bukan nama sebenar). And a small boy, and I mean REALLY small boy came forward! Smaller than Hasya, you know Mommy! And so, I asked him – “Engkau Quentin Tarantino? Engkau kacau adik aku, eh? Kenapa engkau kacau dia? Lagi sekali aku dengar engkau kacau adik aku, jaga engkau! Aku belasah engkau! Kalau engkau buat jugak lagi lepas tu, aku panggil bapak aku – nanti bapak aku belasah engkau!!!!”

Me : (I was like…errr…not sure whether to laugh or scold her! But, in the end I just laughed!!!)

You have to understand – Hanna is a school prefect, she’s 5’3”, with a very athletic figure….and I can just imagine how she dwarfed that Quentin Tarantino guy from Hasya’s class! But, after that, I told her –

Me : Hanna, thank you for standing up and protecting your sister…But, promise me you won’t do it again for no good reasons, okay? When I asked you to confront that Tarantino kid, I didn’t mean that you should scare his pants off like that!!!

Hanna : I know, Mommy….and I promise I will NOT do it again. But, that little boy tu has such a FOUL mouth! And he’s only 7 years old! Even my Standard 6 friends don’t dare to use those words!

That really made me think – did the boy get all those foul words from unsupervised TV or DVD sessions? Or did he get them from listening to his own parents or other adults around him saying those words? It just made me cringe when I think of all those foul words this 7 year old taunted Hasya and her friends with!

Me : I know Hanna…You just make sure your adek-adek tak terikut-ikut their foul-mouthed friends, okay? You take care…study hard! I love you, I miss you….Can I speak to Hilman, please? Thanks, dear…

Hanna : Okay, Mommy…Love you, miss you, too! (Then) Hilman!!! Here! Mommy nak cakap!

Hilman was on the phone like 2 seconds after that! He must have been waiting to speak to me and tell me about his afternoon at the dentist!

Me : Hello, sayang! Ayah told me that you had your tooth out today?

Hilman : Uh-uh! She (meaning the dentist) put blueberry gel here (I think he was probably pulling his lower lip and pointing to his gum then) and then put injection here (again, he must have been pointing to a spot on his gum!) and take the tooth out! Tak sakit pun!!!

Me : Wow!!! And you didn’t cry?

Hilman : No…

Me : I’m so proud of you! You’re such a brave boy!

Hilman : Uh-uh.

Me : Was there a lot of blood?

Hilman : No…little bit only…

Me : Was it a little tooth?

Hilman : One big, one small.

Me : (????!!) Errr….you mean you had TWO teeth taken out just now?! (Then only I knew!!! All these while I thought there was only one tooth giving him problems! Apparently when I spoke to Ayah after that, he said there were two teeth growing and pushing the milk teeth above them!)

Hilman : Uh-uh! Mommy, can you buy me something?!

Me : (Tuntut !!! I promised to get him something if he didn’t cry!) Sure darling…I will get you something because you have been such a BRAVE boy. I am so proud of you. I will ask Wan to bring it back and give to you nanti! (Their Wan is now in London, by the way)

Hilman : Thank you, Mommy…

Me : You’re welcome, sayang…I’ll speak to you later tonight, okay. I love you, I miss you….Mmmmmuuaaahhh!

Hilman : I love you, too…I miss you, too…Mmmmuuaahhh!

And then I waited for Hilman to put the phone down…Waited for about 10 seconds, and then –

Hilman : Mommy, YOU put the phone down first, okay?!!

Me : (LOL) Okay…okay…sayang…

(Hasya was still at school then, so I didn’t get the chance to ask her if Quentin Tarantino was still taunting her!)

And I was smiling away the whole day today - thinking of my two “taiko” kids – “taiko” in their own ways…

So, to all parents out there who have “taiko” kids at home, wherever you are…I hope they are “taikos” in the positive sense….BUT, IF they are the "Tarantino” type (I doubt if there are that many out there - I hope not!), don’t be surprised if one day they come back, and tell you that there’s this one big, mean, girl called Hanna, with her even meaner Ayah who confronted them at school and threatened to put chlorox in their foul mouths….(Ooooops!!)

Wassalam…

If only you knew...

It’s my Darling Hasya Sofea’s birthday today…and words just can’t describe how I’m feeling right now for not being there with her on this day that she turns 8…I just can’t believe that I am missing yet another one of my children’s birthday…

I cried my eyes out when I was not there when Hanna turned 11 in November last year…and I pray to Allah SWT that I will not miss Hilman’s 7th birthday this September, insya Allah…I don’t think my heart can take all these anymore…

It just breaks my heart every time I recall what Hasya said to me yesterday when we spoke over the phone – “Mommy, why can’t you come back just for one day tomorrow? Just for my birthday…Just ONE day, Mommy…”

And, it does not help, now that Hilman has already started his countdown of the number of days left before he could snuggle up and sleep with Mommy again….He kept on asking the other day, “Why can’t it be seventeen more days….Why does it have to be seventy more days, Mommy….I want you to come back in seventeen days, Mommy…"

And just as I’m writing this….I am crying… like I’ve…never…cried…before…

Please forgive Mommy for not being able to grant you that wish for your birthday today, Hasya sayang…If only you knew just how much I want to be there…with you, with Kak Long, Hilman and Ayah…If only you knew…

And Hilman sayang…If only you knew how many times I wished that I had my own way...how wished I would be back TODAY….and you would not even have to wait seventeen more days to be with Mommy….If only you knew…If only I could…

And Hanna sayang, even though Mommy had somewhat made up to you for missing your birthday during my short break the other day, I still feel that I have not done enough to make up to you fully…If only you knew how I wished I could do more…

Mommy will make up for all the days lost, sayang… Mommy know that it would never the same, and it would never be enough…But, Mommy promise that Mommy would do my best to make up for all the days lost – the best I know, the best I could…

Happy Birthday, my Darling Chimin....I love you so, very much…

I love all of you…so, very much…

Please, please… pray for me, wherever you are….Please pray that Allah SWT will give me strength to go through the coming months without my darling babies with me…

Thank you…God Bless…

Wassalam…

Between Mrs. M and Mrs. P...

I am a phlegmatic melancholic person by nature. Melancholic - because I find joy and satisfaction in making lists AND schedules. And normally if something does not happen according to plan, I would just abandon the whole idea altogether, because to me a plan must be carried out to the letter, failing which, I might as well forget about the whole thing! (My phlegmatic pull has something to do with this, I think?!)

So, the melancholic part of me felt that I had to come up with a new timetable today because the old timetable has somewhat lost its relevance : I have not really been sticking to it as I should have. This was NOT just due to foreseen and unforeseen circumstances, but, also because the Phlegmatic part of me has taken over my whole being, and it has taken my Melancholic trait hostage! And as this ‘hostage drama’ unfolded itself in the last few weeks, Mrs. Phlegmatic (hereinafter referred to as “Mrs. P”) has been quite victorious : and I have been procrastinating on stuff which should have been done ages ago!!! Mrs. P kept on saying, ‘Just take it easy, take your time…It’ll be alright at the end of the day….’

HOWEVER, the glorious spring weather that we had today in Newcastle upon Tyne somehow jolted and woke Mrs. Melancholic (hereinafter referred to as “Mrs. M”) up, and I realized that I REALLY have to buck up because the longer daytime that we are having now means that Summer is just around the corner AND I have to tie all the loose ends in my thesis before the University breaks for Summer Vacation! Panic! Panic!

But, instead of coming up with a comprehensive hourly schedule which Mrs. M in me would have loved, a compromise was reached between Mrs. M and Mrs. P, and yours truly came up with a rather flexible timetable (to make sure that Mrs. M does not freak out in the crucial months ahead if Mrs. P decides to take the upper hand again!)

So, roughly – under the new regime, my day would start at 6:00a.m (or earlier, depending on when waktu Suboh ends nearing Summer) and ends at 12:00 midnight. I start my timetable with the word “UP”, and ends it with “Zzzzzzzzzz”. And in between, I have my SLOG, coffee, BLOG, Lunch, SLOG again, Tea, SLOG yet again, Dinner, BLOG and a final round of SLOG, before I hit the LOG with “Zzzzzzzzz”. (And I came to realize while drawing up the timetable that Blogging time is rather crucial to me as it would be the only thing that will keep me sane over the next couple of months here – hence, two daily slots for it! Hip Hip Hurrah!!!)

Mrs. M is quite pleased with the new timetable, and to make sure that Mrs. P is also happy with it, Yours Truly have decided to only follow it….starting….tomorrow. (Hey, I need to make sure everybody is happy, right?!)

So, to all of you out there who are drifting away because there is a conflict between the “more sensible you” and “the more impossible you”, wherever you are…maybe you need to do as I did – decide what you need to do, and try to reach an acceptable and reasonable compromise between the two. Insya Allah, it WILL be alright at the end of the day. All the best to ALL of us, eh?

Wassalam…

A decision made...

(Thoughts recorded on 1 April 2007)

And we know it’s the right one…

After a few months of deliberating, both Ayah and I finally gave in and told Hasya that she could stop going to gymrama (rhythmic gymnastics). She had been asking to stop going for training (I prefer to use the word ‘stop’ here, rather than ‘quit’ as the latter does have a negative connotation to it, and in Hasya’s circumstances, she is NOT quitting per se).

It has come to the stage where she said, “Mommy, I want to go for tae-kwon-do again!” which means she must be really desperate, because I know just how much she hated going for tae-kwon-do classes! She was SO ecstatic when she had no choice but to stop going for tae-kwon-do when she was absorbed into the State gymrama programme last year!

Hasya first joined her school gymrama club in January 2006, and not long after that, she was selected, together with eleven of her friends from school, to go for training to be absorbed into the State team eventually. Suffice to say – it involved a lot of sacrifices, not just by the kids, but also by the parents and the kids’ siblings, especially in terms of time.

The girls had to train in SA from 8.30 until 11.30 (3-4 days on weekdays) and, after training they had to head straight to school which would normally end at 6.00pm! So, you can imagine how taxing it was for them. And they had to do their homework every night before they went to bed because they would not have the time to do it the next day as they had to wake up really early and go for training (again) the next day!

And, on Saturdays (or even Sundays, and during school holidays, if they were preparing for a competition) they would train from 9.00a.m until 4.00pm or even 6.00pm! So, you can imagine just how exhausting it was for these girls, and also for us parents, who amongst us had worked on a schedule on who would send and/or fetch the girls to and from training on which days, etc. And it didn’t help when some parents just didn’t think that there was any need for them to volunteer since the other parents were ever so willing to send and fetch the girls! (Duhhhh…it’s common courtesy, okay?!)

For the last one year, EVERYTHING revolved around Hasya’s training schedules. Our holidays, our outings, our weekends, her siblings extra classes, etc – EVERYTHING had to be scheduled so as not to clash with her training. Hanna and Hilman had been real sports and never complained, and they accepted everything as it was (even though Mommy and Ayah felt so guilty, so, so many times for depriving them of the holidays or the outings that were promised to them… ) Thank you, my dearest Chinchin and Chiman – for such understanding, at such young ages…Mommy and Ayah are SO PROUD OF YOU GUYS!

Needless to say, the number of girls going for training dwindled over the months and from 14 of them (including 2 from a different school), at the last count, it has now gone down to just 5 in the team. Some just did not make the cut, one girl moved to another state, some just quit, and some – the parents just couldn’t see eye to eye with the coach, which is a REAL SHAME since their daughters were REALLY good, and could have been REALLY outstanding rhythmic gymnasts representing Malaysia one day, should they have continued training under the MSN programme!

BUT, it is PRECISELY because of this last reason that Ayah and I decided that enough is enough, and we are not going to let Hasya be subject to further torment which has been demoralizing her bit by bit for the last few months. She had been yelled at, screamed at, humiliated in front of her friends, being called “FAT” so many times….by her own…coach. Yes, it is understandable that to be in the State team, one has to be tough. And Yes, it is understandable that to be a state gymnast, the girls need to be light and agile. But, there is no need whatsoever to call them “FAT”, when they weigh 20kg when you want them to weigh 18kg! Just look at the photo - do the girls look "FAT" to you guys?!! (Hasya is the one on the far right, by the way)

Both Ayah and Mommy SERIOUSLY think that MSN should send all their coaches (ESPECIALLY this particular one!) to Child Psychology courses so that they can be more effective and be more professional, so that the little athletes under their wings can grow up to be really BIG, wholesome and confident international sports personalities, and not be psychologically humbled by constant degrading remarks from the coach!

The last straw for Hasya was last week when she was just winding down and was wiping her sweat away when the coach accused her of sleeping (and she swore she was not!! And I know my daughter and I believe her), and the coach asked her to pack her bag and leave the gym, and literally screamed at her, “GET OUT, I DON”T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE HERE ANYMORE!!!”

It must have been the time of the month for the coach, or she must have had a foul time somewhere else, and she was letting everything out on the trainees that day, maybe…BUT, for Heaven sake, she’s only EIGHT years old, you moron!

I have to agree that the coach has the skills to teach the techniques, and all. BUT, regretfully, and unfortunately - she just doesn’t have the experience and the people skills when it comes to dealing with kids Hasya’s age! I guess because, she is a kid herself – barely an adult! She’s probably, what 20? Maybe 24 - tops?

I hinted to Hasya yesterday that she could stop going for gymrama, and when I told Mak the news, she gave a sigh of relief and immediately asked Hasya what she wanted for dinner – apparently the poor girl had rationed her food intake for the past one month so that the coach would not call her “FAT” again! And it just breaks her granny’s heart every time Hasya refuses to eat! I would just shake, rattle and roll WITH ANGER, mind you, when I think of this!!!

It is such a shame that MSN has this rule that only those who had represented Malaysia at a certain level (SEA Games? Commonwealth Games? At least?!) could qualify to become a coach for MSN. That means – they don’t really have many choices do they?! And, at the rate this coach is going - chasing all potential national rhythmic gymnasts away by her unprofessional approach, I doubt if Malaysia would have any local candidates left to coach the State (let alone the National!) team 5-10 years down the road!
Hence we see all these foreign coaches training our athletes! Malaysia Memang Tak Boleh…

So, Mommy and Ayah decided to decide on this matter by today, Sunday 1 April 2007, the day Ayah will be arriving home from his Beijing meeting. We had asked ourselves - at the end of the day, how far do we really want Hasya to go with this gymrama thing? State level? National level? International level? And more importantly, is it worth all the sacrifices that EVERYBODY has to make, ESPECIALLY when we realized that all these while, it may have been that it was what WE wanted her to be and do, and NOT what SHE really wanted to be and do…But, whatever it may be, we have no regrets, in the sense that the experience she had gained in the last one year or so had been really precious, and we know she will remember and treasure forever!

To all Hasya’s friends who are still going for training in SA - All the best, my dearest little gymnasts! And to their parents – May God bless your sacrifices and patience (especially with the coach!).

To all the parents who have kids who are training or doing something - maybe at Hasya’s level or even higher, wherever you are…If you KNOW that THAT is what your child wants to do, God bless you for letting him or her do it, and God bless you and your family for all the sacrifices you have made and have to make for the sake of your child….All the best to all of you…

But, to all the parents out there who are not sure of whether what your child is doing right now is REALLY what he or she really wants to do, OR whether he or she is doing it ONLY because YOU want them to do it, wherever you are…Maybe you should sit down and ask your child, and I mean REALLY ask your child - of his or her real yearning in life…what he or she really wants to strive for…before anybody gets hurt or disillusioned unnecessarily…

Wassalam…

Dunno why...but, my last 2 postings were not published?!!

It is SO frustrating!!! I have never had any problems with my blog when I was blogging from my Friendster site...and when I switched to Blogger, everything seems to be turning from bad to worse!

I have not been able to add any page elements to my blog ever since I switched to Blogger. And now - the posting that I posted has not been published!

I tried publishing it again - hence you could see the double postings. And when I tried to delete one of the postings, I realized that there was no link/tab to delete the posting! Aaaaarrrgggghhhh!!!

So, I'm REALLY glad that I still keep my blog at http://wanshana.blogs.friendster.com/when_shana_rambles/

Feel free to drop by there!

To those who are having problems with their Blogger blog site, wherever you are - we can only bersabar...but, until when? Hmmmmm...

Wassalam...

P/S : I just hope whatever problems the Blogger team is having with this site will be rectified REALLY SOON! Or, I'm outta here - for good!

02/04/07 - Okay, I managed to delete the second posting when the "Delete" tab appeared briefly yesterday...it's gone again today, by the way. And, you know what? NOW I also don't have the "Compose Mode" links/tabs on my "Create a Post Page"!!!! Arrrrggghhhh!!! This is madness...