Thoughts recorded on February 14, 2007
It is 5.40a.m and the flat is so, so, quiet...a nice welcoming change from the hang bang and clickety clangs that I normally get from my flatmates. Don't get me wrong - they are a nice lot, in their own ways (except when they sometimes leave their unwashed dishes in the sink for days!!!). I suppose they need to let off steam every now and then, and for that they can be excused. They are, after all, just like me - students; but, unlike me - young; and unlike me - (presumably) do not have a Blog to let all their steam in...
This is my favourite time of the day when I'm in Geordieland. No rush - nowhere to go to, no errands to run, no meals to cook - just solat, and make do'a for my loved ones and seek for HIS forgiveness for all my sins and shortcomings. This is the time when I feel most closest to HIM. And this is the the time when I think of my children the most... and think of how, in their own unique ways, discover the Greatness of Allah...And this morning, my thoughts bring me to my son, Hilman Syauqi...
"Sorry God...Sorry Allah!" - those were the exact four words that Hilman would say out SO, SO LOUDLY whenever he had done something wrong, whether UNintentionally or intentionally.
And it always made me smile when he would say those words suddenly, out of the blue while he was playing with his Hot Wheels collection, or when he was doing his colourings, or when he was just running around the house aimlessly...because they told me that he had done something wrong. When that happened, I would call out to him and asked, "What did you do, Hilman?" and to which he would confess all and then said, "Sorry, Mommy...". More often than not, (depending on what exactly that he had done wrong, if they WERE wrong in the first place, that is!), I would just kiss him on his head and tell him not to do it again, and he would go back straight to whatever he was doing.
But, I realized that after a while, the LOUD words of seeking for forgiveness, gradually turned into utters of whispers, and one day he just stopped saying them altogether...
The same could be said of all the do'a that he would say as he goes through his daily and nightly routines. The do'a for before and after meals, for going in and out of the toilet, the do'a and zikr before he goes to sleep. All of which he would say out SO,SO LOUDLY! I remember him being scolded by his Kak Ngah Hasya who was very crossed because she was trying REALLY hard to sleep but she could not because Hilman was saying his do'a at the top of his voice!
And Hilman...you refused to have your milk before you have said your do'a for fear that you would fall asleep in the midst of your milk and you would not have said the do'a for that night. And you refused to say them alone and insisted that I read the do'a and zikr together with you...
I noticed THAT, too has now become a silent ritual for you...
I remember the first night I was back in KL for a short break two months ago. I was tucking you in bed and you looked at me without saying a word. And I remember saying to myself that maybe you were just savouring the moment after being apart from me for quite some time, just as I was savouring that moment, too...when suddenly you started drinking your milk. I stopped you midway and asked why you did not say your do'a. You took the bottle out of your mouth, gazed at me with your sleepy eyes and said..."Hilman dah baca...in my heart..."
Those words brought tears to me eyes, because I then realized that you had grown up while I was and you were not my little boy anymore. You didn't need me to read the do'a and zikr with you anymore...But, more importantly, you were beginning to understand the Greatness of Allah - Who Sees whatever you do, Hears whatever you say, and Understands whatever you feel....in your HEART...
Mommy is so, so, proud of you my sweet, sweet, dear Hilman...And I hope that even when you have grown into a fine man that I know you will, you will make do'a for Mommy and Ayah, and your K.Long Hanna and K.Ngah Hasya after every solat or whenever or wherever you are...in your HEART...because HE will hear your do'a, even if we don't...and that is all that matters...
For all you boys out there - grown-ups or not, wherever you are, I hope you realized how precious your do'a is to your own Mommies and Ayahs...especially when you say it in your HEARTS, when you feel closest to ALLAH...and I pray that you WILL find the time you feel closest to HIM, in your HEARTS, in the sound of silence...
Wassalam...
It is 5.40a.m and the flat is so, so, quiet...a nice welcoming change from the hang bang and clickety clangs that I normally get from my flatmates. Don't get me wrong - they are a nice lot, in their own ways (except when they sometimes leave their unwashed dishes in the sink for days!!!). I suppose they need to let off steam every now and then, and for that they can be excused. They are, after all, just like me - students; but, unlike me - young; and unlike me - (presumably) do not have a Blog to let all their steam in...
This is my favourite time of the day when I'm in Geordieland. No rush - nowhere to go to, no errands to run, no meals to cook - just solat, and make do'a for my loved ones and seek for HIS forgiveness for all my sins and shortcomings. This is the time when I feel most closest to HIM. And this is the the time when I think of my children the most... and think of how, in their own unique ways, discover the Greatness of Allah...And this morning, my thoughts bring me to my son, Hilman Syauqi...
"Sorry God...Sorry Allah!" - those were the exact four words that Hilman would say out SO, SO LOUDLY whenever he had done something wrong, whether UNintentionally or intentionally.
And it always made me smile when he would say those words suddenly, out of the blue while he was playing with his Hot Wheels collection, or when he was doing his colourings, or when he was just running around the house aimlessly...because they told me that he had done something wrong. When that happened, I would call out to him and asked, "What did you do, Hilman?" and to which he would confess all and then said, "Sorry, Mommy...". More often than not, (depending on what exactly that he had done wrong, if they WERE wrong in the first place, that is!), I would just kiss him on his head and tell him not to do it again, and he would go back straight to whatever he was doing.
But, I realized that after a while, the LOUD words of seeking for forgiveness, gradually turned into utters of whispers, and one day he just stopped saying them altogether...
The same could be said of all the do'a that he would say as he goes through his daily and nightly routines. The do'a for before and after meals, for going in and out of the toilet, the do'a and zikr before he goes to sleep. All of which he would say out SO,SO LOUDLY! I remember him being scolded by his Kak Ngah Hasya who was very crossed because she was trying REALLY hard to sleep but she could not because Hilman was saying his do'a at the top of his voice!
And Hilman...you refused to have your milk before you have said your do'a for fear that you would fall asleep in the midst of your milk and you would not have said the do'a for that night. And you refused to say them alone and insisted that I read the do'a and zikr together with you...
I noticed THAT, too has now become a silent ritual for you...
I remember the first night I was back in KL for a short break two months ago. I was tucking you in bed and you looked at me without saying a word. And I remember saying to myself that maybe you were just savouring the moment after being apart from me for quite some time, just as I was savouring that moment, too...when suddenly you started drinking your milk. I stopped you midway and asked why you did not say your do'a. You took the bottle out of your mouth, gazed at me with your sleepy eyes and said..."Hilman dah baca...in my heart..."
Those words brought tears to me eyes, because I then realized that you had grown up while I was and you were not my little boy anymore. You didn't need me to read the do'a and zikr with you anymore...But, more importantly, you were beginning to understand the Greatness of Allah - Who Sees whatever you do, Hears whatever you say, and Understands whatever you feel....in your HEART...
Mommy is so, so, proud of you my sweet, sweet, dear Hilman...And I hope that even when you have grown into a fine man that I know you will, you will make do'a for Mommy and Ayah, and your K.Long Hanna and K.Ngah Hasya after every solat or whenever or wherever you are...in your HEART...because HE will hear your do'a, even if we don't...and that is all that matters...
For all you boys out there - grown-ups or not, wherever you are, I hope you realized how precious your do'a is to your own Mommies and Ayahs...especially when you say it in your HEARTS, when you feel closest to ALLAH...and I pray that you WILL find the time you feel closest to HIM, in your HEARTS, in the sound of silence...
Wassalam...
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