Truly, Madly, Deeply....

Thoughts recorded on February 08, 2007...


I was at the library for 4 solid hours today - quite remarkable for my standard! But, by the end of the 4 hours my brain was so saturated and it felt like it was going to explode...and I asked myself, "What am I doing here - asserting mental pain and anguish onto myself, being so far away from my hubby and kids for this PhD 'thingy'?!" (Yep! Sometimes it is reduced to just being a 'thingy' for me, especially when I'm really down and stuck with 'i-don't-even-know what' in my research and writing...)

Frankly speaking, I don't really know why I'm doing this 'thingy'. I am not an ambitious person, never was. When I did my first degree, it was somewhat expected of everyone anyway...

When I was pursuing my Bar Degree, it was simply because my boyfriend (who is now my legally-wedded husband - your Ayah) had 2 more years in the UK before getting his MBBS - and I did not want to go back to Malaysia and be so far away from him for 2 years! So, basically, the reason for me to do my Bar was to buy time - 1 full year of it! After getting my Bar, I was called back home by my sponsors, and Ayah and I had to part at the end of 1992. It was really tough, but, we survived our long-distance relationship...

We got married in September 1994 when Ayah literally came back from the UK for just over 2 weeks to say "I do", and off he went back again, and I stayed on in Malaysia because of our career commitments. It was really tough being in a long-distance relationship, especially when you are husband and wife, but Ayah managed to come back every now and then..., but, we survived that, too...

When I discovered I was pregnant with you, Hanna, I didn't have to think at all when I quit my job as a lawyer (Yep! Sounds like "Wow!", but it was just a job, like any other jobs out there), and I joined Ayah in the UK.

When Arwah Tok Andak offered if I wanted to do my Masters under a University's scholarship he was affiliated to in 1996, I said to myself, "Why not?". Hanna, you were already 1 year old and Wan Nyah and her family were also there in Newcastle (Ayah Nyah was doing his PhD then). Wan Nyah was ever-willing to take care of you when I had to go for my classes (..and I don't think I have ever thanked you enough for that, Lala..THANK YOU SO MUCH, SIS!!)

And now, my PhD 'thingy'. I realized that I'm doing it because it just so happened that it "was my turn" in the Department to do it. So, here I am...(Hmmm...that answers my question earlier on as to why I'm here?!!!). Again, I have to go through a long distance relationship which is even tougher because it now involves me, Ayah and you - Hanna, Hasya, Hilman...)

But, insya Allah, just as it was with my Bar (which was for the sake of "buying time"), and just as it was with my LLM (which was for the sake of "why not"), and now with my PhD (which is because "it is my turn in the Department to do it"), Insya Allah I will get through this, and I will survive yet another long distance relationship.

As I said, I am not and have never been that ambitious, but whatever I chose to do, Syukur Alhamdulillah my path to success has been quite smooth...Allah has been VERY kind to me, and I strongly believe it is because of the do'a from Jaddati - my dearest, dearest Mom - your Grandmother, and I know that there is nothing that I could do in my lifetime and beyond that could equal her do'a for me...

And when I think about the choices that I have made in life, I always think of this one time when somebody ACTUALLY asked me why I was "JUST a lecturer" when I could have been a high-profile corporate lawyer or something along that line, with all the "incidental" qualifications that I have. You know what? That question never offended me and it will never offend me because I CHOSE THIS LIFE... I have no regrets at all, and if I were to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.

My darling Hanna, Hasya and Hilman,

I am not saying that you all should not be ambitious. Far from it! What I'm saying is, you will know what YOU want in life when the time comes. And YOU will have to strive for it, and YOU will have to make some sacrifices along the way to get what YOU want...

And Just like Jaddati, I will always be there and make do'a for you wherever I am, wherever you are, for whatever it is that you choose your life to be. And if all of you achieve whatever it is that YOU know is what YOU want in life, I know that you all will be -TRULY, MADLY, DEEPLY HAPPY with that life that you choose, just as I am TRULY, MADLY, DEEPLY HAPPY with the life I chose.

Allah has put me where I was and where I am today for a reason, irrespective of whatever I thought the reasons were/are...And HE has guided me in choosing the path that I am following, and my do'a is that HE will guide you in choosing the path for you to follow...

To all you ambitious and unambitious people out there, wherever you are - are you Truly, Madly, Deeply Happy with the life you chose....?

Have a great weekend, guys...

Wassalam